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Coroner
Tim, a local coroner, recently came home with a black eye. “What happened to you?” asked his wife. “I had a terrible day” replied Tim. “I had to go to a hotel and pick up a man who had died in his sleep. When I got there, the hotel manager said they couldn’t get him into a body bag because he had a huge erection. Anyway, I went up and, sure enough, there was this big naked guy laying on the bed with this huge erection. So I grabbed it with both hands and tried snapping it in half”. “I see” said his wife, “that must’ve been awful, but how did you get the black eye?” Tim replied “wrong room”.
Lincoln, a biopic on Abraham Lincoln was a commercial success.
Ironic considering the circumstances of his death. Although it made a lot of money, a movie on John Wilkes Booth would be a box office killer.
So this guy graduated from college, but he’s still a virgin…
He wants to lose his virginity so he decides he’ll go to a strip club and lose it there. It’s a big moment in his life and he’s nervous so he calls up his best friend. He says, “Hey man, today’s the day. Im going to the strip club to lose my virginity and I want you to come with me.” His best friend is like, “Oh dude! Of course! I’m there. Just do me a favor and don’t get this lady named Sandpaper Sally.” Our guy says, “Yea, whatever.” So then he calls his dad up saying, “Dad. It’s time. I’m ready to become a man, I’m ready to lose my virginity. I’m going to the strip club and I want you to come with me.” His dad says, “Son, I couldn’t be more proud. It would be an honor to go with you on this day. But do your old man a favor and don’t get this lady named Sandpaper Sally...” So his best friend and his dad go over to his house. They get dressed up, Gucci’d up, smelling good, and then they head to the club. They get there, pay the owner the money and the owner lines all the girls up. So our guy walks the line a couple of times and chooses the best looking girl in there and guess who it was: Sandpaper Sally. So he takes her in the back room. He gets naked, she gets naked, he’s nervous but he’s committed so he gets to work. He’s digging her out but, he stops and goes, “Oh Sally, you’re so hard and dry. You’re like a desert, what’s your problem?” She goes, “I can fix that.” She goes to the bathroom. 15 minutes later she comes back. He’s really nervous now, but still committed, so he gets back to work. He’s beating down walls when he says, “Oh Sally, you’re so hot and wet, what did you do?” And she says, “I picked my scabs.”
A lot of people call Valentine’s Day “singles awareness day,” but that’s actually today
4/04 date not found
Did you hear the one about the Irish gay couple?
Patrick Fitzhugh and Hugh Fitzpatrick.
My wife told me our sex life is like Usain bolt when he runs…
In the sense that I finish in 9.58 seconds
This year, I April fooled my little sister by saying mom had shot herself.
I was so convincing that she only realised I was kidding when she saw mom had hanged herself.