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My first football game was just like losing my virginity
I was bloody and bruised but at least my dad came
I used to love building sandcastles with my granny...
...but my parents thought it was creepy so they glued the urn shut.
Gilbert Gottfried may have joked about tragedies right after they happened, but he still had a big heart.
Weak, but big. P.S. RIP Gilbert
A trapeze’s artist checks his credit score
A trapeze’s artist checks his credit score online. His credit score went from 700 to 500 in the past week. Naturally this worries him, and so he called his bank. An agent answers, “How can I help you today?” the agent asks “Yea, I just checked my credit score online and it fell from about 700 to 500. I’m concerned because I have no idea how it got so low,” “I understand your concern. Let me look at your account and see what’s going on,” After about a minute the agent replies, “Sir, what is your occupation?” “I’m a trapeze’s artist but why is that relevant?” “Well it would appear that you have an outstanding balance,”.
I wonder how many people will bury their loved ones in glass coffins this year.
Well...remains to be seen.
My Vietnamese friend is very particular about people pronouncing words in his language correctly, so I called him a “Pho-cist”.
He was pretty offended, and I haven’t seen him since I don’t know, Nguyen.
Death by boogaloo
Two men were shipwrecked on an island. They decided to venture inland to see if they could find someone. The men came across a village in the middle of a jungle, immediately they were surrounded by a tribe of islanders. The chief walks to the men and says, ” What do you choose, Death or Boogaloo?” The first man thinks for a second and replies, “I choose Boogaloo”. The chief smiles and the tribe begins to chant “boogaloo, boogaloo, boogaloo”. The chief takes the man, bends him over and f**ks him up the ***. The second man is horrified at what he has just witnessed and then the chief walks up to him and asks, “You must choose, Death or Boogaloo”? The man thinks he would rather die than have boogaloo, so he replies, “I choose death”. The tribe roars in ecstasy and the chief yells, “Death by boogaloo!!!”
Do you remember president Clinton’s intern Monica? She’s now republican.
Democrats left a bad taste in her mouth.
My wife and I were walking down the street…
As we were walking we saw a drunk homeless man stumbling around. My wife snickered upon seeing him. I asked, “why are you laughing?” And she said, “8 years ago that man asked me to marry him, and I turned him down. Im glad I did, or I would end up just like him.” I said, “Wow, 8 years, and he’s *still* celebrating!” My wife turned around and began yelling at me. “We’re done” she said, “Pack your bags.” As I packed my bags I turned to my wife, and said, “I have a problem I thought I should let you know about.” “NO” she said “WE have a problem! Our marriage is falling apart and its escalated to far. Hurry up and pack and then get out of my damn house!” I then said, “Then I suppose its no use to mention it.” As I continued to pack my wife pestered me, asking for me to tell her what happened. I then had to explain to her how *we* got her sister pregnant.
How many right wingers does it take to change a lightbulb?
I have no idea because every time I ask they all argue about unnecessary change