The funniest jokes the internet has to offer.
New at better-not-say-it.com: Our hot joke section. Have fun laughing with our sensationally funny jokes:
Stranger at the door
A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it’s half past three in the morning. “I’m not getting out of bed at this time,” he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. “Aren’t you going to answer that?” says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door It didn’t take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk to the bone. “Hi there.” slurs the stranger, “Can you give me a push?” “No, get lost, it’s half past three I was in bed.” says the man and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, Dave, that wasn’t very nice of you Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man’s house to get us started again? What would have happened if he’d told us to get lost? “But the guy was drunk.” says the husband. “It doesn’t matter.” says the wife. “He needs your help.” So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts: “Hey, do you still want a push?” He hears a voice cry out, “Yeah please.” So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts: “Where are you?” And the stranger replies: “I’m over here, on your swing.”
You walk into a bathroom as an American
You walk into a bathroom as an American You walk out of the bathroom as an American What were you when you were in the bathroom? EUROPEAN
For a gimmick intended to draw customers, the local Innkeeper put up a sign:
“500 gold pieces to anyone who can make my horse laugh. But if ye cannot, ye owe ME 500 gold pieces.” After a couple young fools tried and lost, the legend grew, but few were interested in actually taking the wager. Business boomed as travellers flocked to the inn with hopes of seeing some poor fool attempt the impossible. One day, a short, decrepit old man wandered into the tavern and said he’d like to attempt the challenge. The innkeeper chuckled, knowing that horses don’t actually laugh, and told the old man to have at it. “But, just so you know,” said the innkeeper, “if he doesn’t laugh, you owe ME 500 gold pieces.” The man happily agreed, and the innkeeper and other patrons followed the old-timer outside. The old man moved slowly up to the side of the horse and whispered something in its ear that none but he and the horse could hear. The horse immediately started laughing so hard that it shook the building. The patrons and innkeeper stared in disbelief, but the innkeeper knew he was bested. He paid the man and retired the challenge. Before the tale could spread too far, the Innkeeper introduced a new challenge, this time certain it was impossible for him to lose. Emboldened by his certainty, the innkeeper upped the stakes: “1000 gold pieces to anyone who can make my horse cry. But if ye cannot, ye owe ME 1000 gold pieces.” This time however, barely a week passed, and the old man returned. “I’m here about the challenge.”, He said. Cautious but eager to embarrass the old man who had bested his previous challenge (and taken his coin), the innkeeper agreed to let the man attempt his challenge. The old man walked out to the horse, innkeeper and patrons following closely behind. Standing directly in front of the horse the old man promptly dropped his trousers. And the horse burst into tears. “What the hell is going on?!!”, shouted the irate innkeeper to the back of the old man, furious at both having been bested again, and the old man’s exposing of himself. “Simple”, said the old man, turning his neck to look back at the crowd. “Last week, I told yer horse my cock was bigger than his. And now, I’ve shown him!”
Why did the Buddhist vacuum cleaner have dirty window sills?
Because it had zero attachments.
I’m reading a horror story in Braille. Something bad is about to happen…
I can feel it.
I went to a haunted bed and breakfast in France. I left.
The place was giving me the crepes.
“My husband just wants to have sex all the time”
The recently married woman says to her sister, “it’s every day like clockwork he gets home from work, takes off his clothes at the doorstep and says “I’m home honey let’s hit the sack”. Don’t get my wrong I love him and the sex is good but I need a break I can barely walk”” Then the sister says “oh my well what you can do is say is that you have your period and that way he’ll at least leave you alone for a few days to give you a break” The wife then says: “that’s a good idea, I’ll try that” That evening the husband arrives and quickly starts undressing like usual, then the wife tell him “oh hi honey, I know you are in the mood but here is the thing, I Just got my period today” The husband then after a long pause of silence goes to the kitchen and brings two glasses of champagne, puts some easy listening music. The wife then says: “oh how romantic and thoughtful babe, but what are we celebrating? Husband then smirks and says: “It’s Backdoor week honey”
The International Shawarma association has started a fundraising campaign.
I hear they are looking for donairs.