The funniest jokes the internet has to offer.
New at better-not-say-it.com: Our hot joke section. Have fun laughing with our sensationally funny jokes:
I saw a lizard standing on a post on the corner of the street.
It was strange, because it seemed like everyone who walked by it chuckled at least a little bit. I never bothered to stop and ask, but I’m pretty sure he was a stand-up chameleon.
The laws to get to heaven are new!
They changed the rules to get into heaven and get passed Saint Peter and the pearly gates; you just need to have died in an interesting way. So three men show up before Peter. Peter asks the first man how did you die? Man says "well you see i live on the 22nd floor of a high rise apartment complex. I got home and started doing my normal workout out on the balcony and got a little carried away on the exercise bike got light headed and fell over the railing. Luckily i caught the railing on the balcony below mine. This crazy man comes out starts yelling and cursing and start beating me up and i fell off the balcony all the way to the ground. The bushes must have broken my fall because i was still alive somehow. Well i start trying to get up and i can hear this guy starts losing it. I looked up and here is this guy and this refrigerator. Well i then woke up here." Peter: wow thats insane come on in! 2nd man walks up. Peter how did you die? 2nd man: well you see i am a very jealous man and i came home and could tell my wife had just been sleeping with another man. I just couldnt take it! I started search for this guy! I looked everywhere. I heard a noise out on the balcony. I go out and this guy is hanging on the ledge and i just start swinging. Well he fell off the balcony. I looked over the edge and and i saw he was still alive. I just lost it! I grabbed the first thing i could find that was heavy the refrigerator. I pushed it over the edge. Well the cord wrapped around foot and dragged me over the side. And the next thing i know here i am. Peter: wow thats insane come on in! 3rd man walks up. Peter how did you die? 3rd man: well you see i was minding my own business naked in this refrigerator and then Bam! Here i am.
Personal favourite joke from Jimmy Carr
The Priest did something to me that ruined my life at the age of 11. He cheated on me.
When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits
**but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life. In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency;** **she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability. When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became…** **Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement. When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn’t keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition. When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned. I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big tits.**
She was so tall
I dated a girl that was so tall that when we were toes to toes my nose was in it, an if we were toes to toes my nose was in it
What is the difference between Betty White and Paul Walker??
Paul Walker hit 100 before he died.