The funniest jokes the internet has to offer.

I have a perfect peace deal for Russia and Ukraine, which I believe both of them will happily accept

Russia: immediately withdraw all troops from Ukrainian territory, including Crimea Ukraine: provide 1 million free washing machines to Russia

I like my men like I like my coffee -

- ground up and in the freezer.

Turns out I’m allergic to vegan food

My doctor told me I have the Toflu

Why do British millionaires weigh so much?

Because they gain a lot of pounds.

What do you call a man who is too lazy at removing testicles

Procastrator

They Told Me I Failed The Drug Test

I told them I just ate a poppy seed bagel. They asked about the marijuana and cocaine. I told them it was an everything bagel.

Sigh..

My wife has a tattoo of a whale on her butt. It used to be a dolphin.

I find all holocaust jokes to be lame

Anne frankly not funny.

I once played this random gibberish pop song to my pet squid

She is now a kid

Did you hear that?

No, but Amber Heard.

A German a French and an English man crash with their plane on an island.

Immediately they start to explore the island and encounter a native tribe. The chieftain of the tribe commands everyone of those 3 to get into the jungle and gather 2 different kinds of fruits, otherwise he has to banish them from the island. First the English man arrives back at the chieftain, carrying a strawberry and a raspberry. The chieftain commands him immediately to put both of the fruits into his ass, if he will laugh while doing hit or wont do it, he will hit him with his club and crush his skull. No other choice available, he starts putting them in. Little hairs on the Raspberry are tickling him and he starts to laugh. Without hesitating, the chief crushes his skull with the club. 5 minutes later the german arrives with apple and pear. The chieftain again commands him to shove those fruits up his ass, or he will crush his skull with the club. Apple goes in , and pear is half way up without the german showing any expressions. Suddenly he starts to laugh out loud. The chieftain sprints forward and crushes his skull with the club. On the door to heaven the English man asks the german why he started to laugh although nearly finished with both fruits. "I was really concentrated and could have done it, but the French guy came out of the jungle with a watermelon and a pineapple in his hands".

Why was the president who freed the slaves also a great businessman?

He had a lot of Abraham LinkedIn connections.

have you ever eaten chicken anus?

Not at the same time.