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Why is Jesus gay?

He is fucking Christ.

Why is Texas called the Lone Star state?

Because of all the one-star reviews

Ya know, regardless of its size

Mike Rowe will always have a Mike Rowe penis

A group of apes had locked everyone inside of a Himalayan monastery

Escape was delayed because of the missing monk key.

What happened to the frog who illegally parked?

He got toad.

What do you call a cute door?

Adorable.

What award does a soldier get after sustaining life-long injuries during battle?

A disabled badge!

9 out of 10 people enjoy…

… gangbangs

I fully support the repeal of all bans on trans people in military forces.

Otherwise, what would we do with all those attack helicopters?

What do you get when you mix a white guy with a duck?

A quacker

Ghost team vs a soccer team

5 years ago, there was a Ghost soccer team that no one could beat. Not Messi, not Beckham, not even the all time great Brazilian team. Any time they played together, the Ghost team would wipe the floor with them. It got so bad that the UN had to get involved and send an investigations team. I mean, sure they were Ghosts and invisible but as long as the match was not on the Halloween day , the human super team surely had a decent chance of winning. After all, even if the ghosts are invisible, the ball can always be seen.  The investigation team concluded with the following: The Ghost team always wins because they are the best at possession of the soccer ball. 

I used to wake up grumpy

Now I just let her sleep in

Bob from Sesame Street made it to 90.

When asked for comment The Count said "This is going to take some time."

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