The funniest jokes the internet has to offer.
New at better-not-say-it.com: Our hot joke section. Have fun laughing with our sensationally funny jokes:
Chestnuts Roasting
Once again, this holiday season I was utterly disappointed by not seeing a single Chestnut roasting over an open fire.
A lapsed gambler told his psychiatrist "I bet you could even cure God himself of a gambling problem!"
Following the disembodiment of the universe at a quantum level, all that was left in the void was a note saying "Critical Unitarity Error: Please call the Prophet Dirac for assistance."
A man told his wife to never look in the safe
After 35 years of marriage she finally opened the safe. She told her husband “I looked in the safe and saw $40,000 and three eggs. What are the eggs in there for?” “Well I’ll be honest. Every time I sleep with another woman I put an egg in the safe” “Well… I guess I can’t be too mad. After 35 years of marriage you’ve only been unfaithful 3 times, I can’t be too upset.” The husband says “Well… every time I get a dozen eggs I sell them and that’s where the $40,000 came from.”
Whoever coined the term ‘delivery’ for childbirth made a big mistake.
It should have been called takeout instead.
Lost dog??
Sometimes i just find lost dog posters and i call the number and just be barking.
Why should you sparingly put herbs on fish?
Because there is a thyme and a plaice for it
If a black bird has black babies , a blue bird has blue babies , what bird has no babies ?
A Swallow
Why did the Chinese couple adopt a Caucasian baby?
Because two wongs don’t make a white.
TIL that the Credito Emiliano bank in Italy accepts wheels of Parmigiano-Reggiano cheese as collateral for loans.
Loan rates these days really do cost a parm and a reg.
Lionel Messi holds the record for the most number of likes in an Instagram post.
Things have really turned Messi for the egg.
Little Johnny comes home from school after their first sex ed.
- How was school honey? His mother asked. - It was ok, Johnny replied, our teacher taught us how to put on a condom. - really, so how do you put it on? - you need a banana, Johnny replied, apparently its impossible to get a hard-on on an empty stomach.