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A teacher asked...
A teacher asked a student to use the words yellow, pink, and green in a sentence. The kid says The phone goes "green green." I pink it up And I say yellow.
There was a street in my town named after Chuck Norris but the council had to rename it.
Nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives
The egg and the safe
A wife noticed there was a safe hidden in her attic. So she asked her husband “what’s with the safe?” So he told her “I’m not sure but don’t look in there while I’m in the market!” After he went out she became curious and it ate away at her thinking of this safe in the attic. Finally she gave in and looked in the safe and found £40,000 and 3 eggs. Confused by this she waits for her husband and confronts him. The husband admittedly tells his wife “it’s my safe and I get an egg every time I’ve slept with a woman outside our marriage.” The wife thinks that 3 times after 40 years of marriage isn’t all that bad but, asks “where did the £40,000 come from?” The husband proudly says “every time I get a dozen eggs I sell them!”
Got thrown out of a strip club once
Didn’t know I wasn’t supposed throw quarters at the strippers
Mr Darcy, Victor Frankenstein, and Gandalf where standing in a queue, waiting to get into a club, when ...
... an ampersand walks past them, nods to the bouncer, and is let in immediately. Mr Darcy scoffs and turns to his companions. "He must be some kind of special character."
RE: Two chemists went to dinner together
One said to the bartender "H2O" please, and the bartender gave him water The other said "H2O, too please!" And the bartender handed him water as well because he understands semantics and knew he was referring to water and not a dangerous compound