The funniest jokes the internet has to offer.
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A Topologist comes into work covered in coffee.
His colleague says "Oh no! Did you spill your donut?"
Why do American tourists think Edinburgh castle is a school?
They hear shots every lunchtime.
A salesman walked up to the door of a house and knocked.
A young boy opened the door, smoking a cigar and holding a glass of scotch in his hand. The salesman asked, “Excuse me son... Are either of your parents home?” The little boy said, “What the heck do YOU think?”
A mother and her 2 daughters are at a cemetery
One of the kids is curious and asks her mom “Mommy, why am I named Rose?” Their mom replies “Because when you were a baby, a rose petal fell on your head.” Her second daughter asks “Mommy, why am I named Daisy?” Her mom replies “Because when you were a baby, a daisy petal fell on your head.” Then, Rose looks at the tombstone and points at the name written on it. “So why is that their name?” Rose asks. Her mom sighs and says “We’ll always remember Samsung Smart Fridge.”
What do you call a snobby criminal going down stairs?
A condescending con descending.
Paddy wife trouble
Paddy has been married to his wife for 15 years. They get to talking and she complains that he has never once gave her an orgasm. She thinks it’s cause the room is always too hot so they buy a fan… go at it and still.. nothing. She then says ‘the noise is putting me off Pad, why don’t you get your mate Mick to come in and flap us with a towel’ Mick comes in next night, flapping away… still, nothing. ‘Why don’t you change places Pad? Lets try that next time’ Next night Pad’s wife has multiple orgasm’s and has the night of her life. She has never had anything like it before… Pad looks up at Mick and says ‘See Mick, that’s how you flap a fucking towel’
Two humpback whales walk into a bar.
After seating themselves, the stunned bartender asks what they will have. The first whale responds, “Oooooooo….. Eeeeeeeee…. Oooooooooooooooooh!” The second whale says, “Shut up, Frank. You’re drunk.”
Arkansas prom
Do you know the most common heard phrase at an Arkansas prom?? Get off me daddy, your smashing my cigarettes.
What did Gandhi say when he was invited for a night out with his roommates?
“Nah, Imma stay.”