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I’m so good looking and confident that

I swiped left to every women in Bumble.

There was a Mexican magician who was about to disappear on the count of three. He said "uno... dos-" and vanished.

He disappeared without a tres

Anyone know that one horror game?

I think it’s called “amnesia” but I can’t remember

why are banks like submarines?

Both operate conning towers

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go camping

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If God wanted us to be vegetarians…

Why did he make the animals out of meat?

an 80-year-old is considered to be a champion whenever they have sex with somebody who is half their age

but a 20-year-old is not

I lost my job as a chef today.

All I did was follow the sign that said to wash your hands after using the bathroom. I didn’t know that you couldn’t use the customers’ water to do so.

WhAt do call it when a mechanic abandons his pregnant wife?

A nut and bolt

Why’s James cryin?

Cuss he just got dunked on.

Just a friendly 4th of July reminder

That absolutely no one is going to watch the videos of the fireworks you recorded on your phone

What happened in the Stranger Things / Bambi crossover episode?

No eye deer

What did Vin Diesel say when he was asked to describe Pitch Black?

"Its riddick-ulous."

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