The funniest jokes the internet has to offer.

Did you hear about the terrorist who flew the plane towards a penitentiary?

He landed in jail

what does a laxative and a wife have in common?

They irritate the shit out of you

The Netherlands really has the worst customer service: I went to a restaurant and asked "Can I use the Bathroom?" The owner told me.....

U kunt

A guy walks in to the bar

Then he dies

I Shat

i just shat so hard that the velocity of the shit broke through the fucking wall. it was like taylor swifts jet. it fucking blew out of my ass at 120 mph and crashed into the wall. i expected that to be the end, but no. it broke a hole through the wall, straight into my moms room. everything was coated in shit. and of course after hearing the "BFFFBLRBFFF" sound, my mother woke up to find a new brown dye on everything she owns. she tried to move to yell at me, but my shit had become sentient and was holding her down. she could only lay and scream. my shit went so far that it went straight through the neighbors house all the way into the next neighborhood over. everyone in the town will know about my shit in a few hours. im no longer welcome here. i can hear creaming. i can also hear screaming. i dont know what to do. i dont know where to go. im walking out of my house now, with no idea what the future holds.

Motorcyclist: I can drive this motorcycle on one wheel!

4 year old: *gasp* wheelie?!

I left my car between the numerator and denominator.

I got a ticket for parking in fraction.

Where does a winemaker get his gossip?

Through the grapevine.

I have a girlfriend now after a long dry spell.

The only problem is that my self winding watch keeps stopping.

What does an insect say while inside a bug zapper?

Ouch!

Me: So Doc, are you saying that I can jerk off whenever I want?

Doctor: No John, I said you can have a stroke at anytime.

When pro-lifers have a disk read error

… do they get sad when they have to click “abort”?

Vladimir Putin Visits a School One Day

And he gives a lecture about how great the government is, and how Russia is the best country in the world. At the end of the lecture he invites people to ask questions and one kid stands up and says: “Hello my name is Sasha and I have two questions” Putin: “go ahead” Sasha: “Why did Russia invade Ukraine? And why haven’t we won the war yet?” At that moment the bell rang and everyone went to lunch. At the end of lunch the Q&A continued and another kid stood up “My name is boris and I have four questions” Putin: “Yes?” Boris: “Why did Russia invade Ukraine? why haven’t we won the war yet? why was the bell 20 minutes early and where is Sasha?” //Note: I did post this one a while back but I figured it became a little more relevant in recent times.