The funniest jokes the internet has to offer.
New at better-not-say-it.com: Our hot joke section. Have fun laughing with our sensationally funny jokes:
It’s tough finding journalists qualified to report on rhythm sections
They need to cover all the basses and can’t miss a beat.
the best thing about long hair is you can play it off as hair
now I just have to find a way for it to grow on the top half of my body
A guy is walking down the beach at night and comes across a woman with no arms and no legs…
The woman is crying so he goes to her and asks what is wrong. The woman replies “I’m 23 years old, I have no arms, no legs, and I’ve never had a kiss” So the man leans down and gently kisses her on the lips, then turns to walk away. The woman begins crying again so he stops again and asks what is wrong. The woman replies “I’m 23 years old, I have no arms, no legs, and I’ve never been screwed” The man leans down… cradles the woman’s torso… lifts her out of the sand… and chucks her into the water. “You’re screwed now baby!”
Have you lived here all your life?
asked a salesman of a lean, lantern-jawed Tennessee mountaineer who stood idly leaning against a rail fence. The mountaineer shifted his weight from one foot to the other and replied, "Not yit." ​ Source: 1913 newspaper
Putin is actually playing it smart.
First, they take over large territory, then annex and hold referendums when majority of pro-ukraine ppl have left already. Thus majority pro russian ppl will support russian claim on territory. Ukraines in deep shit when winter comes, so is rest of europe while USA is chilling away from all this, looking like a hero & making $$$ selling outdated weapons. Putin is being defensive, handing over territory while waiting for winter where it will likely resume attacks. & ukraine will suffer further. What do you guys think?
A man is on his deathbed.
Long A man is on his deathbed. He has three friends who come and visit him, being a doctor, a lawyer, and an engineer. He tells them, “I know you can’t take it with you. But I want to try. I’m giving you each $10,000 cash. When you come up to my coffin to pay your respects I want you to take the $10,000 and shove it in the coffin with me.“ The man passes and the three men pay their respects. Afterwards, they are all talking. The doctor says “I know it’s medically impossible, but I have to admit I put $9000 in the coffin and kept $1000 for myself.” The engineer then chimes in. “I did all the calculations and realize it’s impossible also. But I have to admit I put $5000 in and left $5000 for myself.” The lawyer looks at them both with disgust. “I’m disappointed in both of you. This was his last wish and neither of you held up your end. I wrote him a check for the entire amount.“
What’s the last thing you want to hear when your giving Willie Nelson a blowjob?
I’m not Willie Nelson [heard from Theo Von]
Someone tried to cheer me up by saying to think of others worse off.
I decided to make it into a game, similar to the telephone game but we pay it forward. I gathered a group of every sorry depressing person in the city and by vote, we all lined up who we all agreed, was best to worst and the rule was to say to the next guy: “Cheer up, the guy after you is worse” and tell them to pass it on. …Sadly the game could never started though….Because the first guy was dead.