The funniest jokes the internet has to offer.
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TIL New Zealand invented the first condom, using a sheep’s intestine
However, it was Australia who were the first to take it out of the sheep beforehand
A Texan, Mississippian, a Connecticuter, and a Nevadan walk into an auditorium.
The announcer asked everyone “Can you donate a small amount to fund education?” The Texan asks “What is small?” The Mississippian asks “What is education?” The Connecticuter asks “What is fund?” The Nevadan asks “What is donation?” The announcer walks off the stage.
Steal a man’s wallet, and he’ll be poor for a day…
Teach him to play an instrument, and he’ll be poor for the rest of his life
How does a manipulative girl get whatever she wants out of a man?
She gets a rise out of them
Jack was very fat and his wife was worried about him, so she made him see the doctor...
The doctor weighed him and said, "You must lose 30 kg. Eat only fruits and vegetables and jog 5 km a day for the next 100 days. Then give me a call and tell me how much you weigh." Jack went home and did what the doctor told him. 100 days later, Jack called the doctor. "Jack here. You will be happy to know that I have lost 30 kg." "Excellent," said the doctor. "There is just one problem," Jack said. "I am 500 km from home!"
You should get a divorce
when you start thinking that going to jail after killing him it might be a good idea.
My patent for a gold-plated butt plug got rejected
Apparently Apple has cornered the market on expensive toys for assholes.
I always watch Die Another Day before having a microwave dinner
Why? Because it says Pierce film before heating.
What is the difference between an economic recession and an economic depression?
One is when your neighbor losses their job, the other is when you also loose yours.
Mom tells her son to wake up and go to school.
The son replies, “I don’t want to get up or go to school.” Mom responds, “You have to go to school, everybody is expecting you to be there”. Son asks, “Why do I have to go to school?” Mom: “Because you’re 40 years old and you are the Principal”.
My baby nephew got apprehended by the police after refusing his usual naptime
He was resisting a rest