The funniest jokes the internet has to offer.

What did the mountaineer say to the hiker who gave him directions?

Thanks, that really *Alps* me out.

Why was the bunny feeling depressed?

>!Because he was having a bad hare day!!<

I found out my pianist boyfriend was bi

He says he really likes debussy

What does the Russian say when you ask him, "Do you want to build a snowman?"

He says, "Is not snowman, is snow comrade."

I didn’t know that fence suppliers ran after thieves so much.

That was until I took a pole.

If red birds make red babies, blue birds make blue babies, and black birds make black babies; what birds make no babies?

Swallows

kinda old but ill try

what do u call 2 mexicans playing basketball? juan on juan. lol

I know how to manage my time.

Like right now I know I can do nothing all day and not worry about it cause I got fired!

Why are so many doctors Jewish?

Because their mothers are.

How do you make instant spaghetti?

Hit a leper with a tennis racket.

The Postman

Walter the mail carrier was delivering mail and a few packages to Mrs. Petersen, a gorgeous housewife, right before Christmas. Mrs. Petersen was stunning and always had a kind word, unlike her arrogant prick of a husband. It was a cold morning, and as Walter was dropping off her mail, Mrs. Petersen appeared in the doorway, wearing a silk robe and not much else. “Walter, it’s awfully cold outside. How about a nice hot cup of coffee?” Walter eagerly accepted her kind offer. Once he was in the kitchen, she said, “Since you’re here, how about a few eggs?” “Sure, Mrs. Peterson, that’d be great!” “I’ll throw in some toast and some a few thick Polish sausages too.” Afterwards, she was leaning over him refilling his mug, giving Walter a glorious view, and she said, “How about dessert?” “What did you have in mind, Mrs. Petersen?” “How about we go upstairs and have a nice roll in hay?” “That sounds like a fine idea,” said Walter, and off they went. After a spectacular lovemaking session, they were lying in the afterglow. Mrs. Peterson said, “Oh, I almost forgot!” She reached in the bedside table and pulled out a crisp one dollar bill and handed it to Walter. “What’s this for?” Walter inquired. “Well, this morning as Mr. Petersen was on his way to work, I reminded him that Christmas is coming, and I suggested we do something for you, Walter, because you’re such a great mail carrier. Mr. Petersen thought for a second, and then said, ‘Fuck him. Give him a buck.’ So there you have it!”

a child asks his father what an alcoholic is

the dad replies, "see those 4 cars? an alcoholic would see 8" the child says, "but dad, there are 2 cars over there"

An old farmer was selling his peaches door to door.

He knocked on a door, and a very pretty young lady dressed in an extremely sheer negligee answered. He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked, “Would you like to buy some peaches?” She pulled the top of the negligee to one side, showing her breast, and asked, “Are they as firm as this?” He nodded his head and said, “Yes,” and a little tear ran from his eye. Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off while asking, “Are they nice and pink like this?” The farmer said, “Yes,” he replied as a tear ran down his other eye. Then lady then lifted the bottom of her negligee and asked, “And are they as fuzzy as this?” He again said, “Yes!” and broke down crying. The lady said “What in the world is wrong with you? Why are you crying?” Drying his eyes he said, “drought got my corn, flood got my cotton, and now I’m gonna get screwed out of my peaches!”