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The fortune teller told me I’d lose one of my closest friends in 13-14 years.
To cope with this news, I bought a puppy.
Sarah Jessica Parker sat on a bench crying...
A kid walked up to her: "Why the long face?"
You should never remove ice from your windshield with a discount card
It only takes off 20%
A cruise ship wrecks in the middle of the ocean.
The only three survivors are tourists from different areas of the United States. A man from Georgia, a man from Florida and a man from Hawaii. They float on a raft until they hit an island where they’re met by a tribe of fierce locals who despise outsiders. A member of tribe offers to translate for them so the chief can decide their fate. The men are brought before a large clearing at the edge of the village where the chief begins his sentencing. “In the field behind me our ancestors have grown all the fruit known to man. You are you to walk the field and pick your favorite fruit then return it to me” The men think wow this is a very simple punishment. “We shall gather the fruits of our native states to show the chief we miss home and just want to go back” says the man from Hawaii. The other two agree and all three set off into the field. Around 5 minutes later the man from Georgia appeared from the field and approached the chief holding a peach. “Chief I bring to you my native fruit. A gesture that I simply wish to return home” The chief with a smile tells the man to insert the fruit into his rectum and he will be given a canoe and allowed to leave. If he fails to insert the fruit he will be beheaded on the spot. Instantly the man stuffs the peach into his rectum just before the man from Florida returns holding an orange. As the Florida man approaches he tells the chief “I have brought you the fruit from my native home simply to show you I miss home and would love to go back”. Again the chief explains the process and the man begins to hastily stuff the orange in his rectum. As he gets his pants down and puts the orange in his rectum he begins to laugh. Soon after the first man begins to laugh hysterically as well. Within 30 seconds both men are in tears from laughter. The chief asks the translator what these men are laughing at to which the translator says “They said the man from Hawaii is looking for the pineapples”
Dating in my 30’s is like being a Chinese weather balloon.
I’m the size of three busses and I just keep getting shot down.
Did you hear about the lady that backed into the fan? It made a disaster
Dis assed her kudos if you know what this is from. :)
BREAKING NEWS: Extreme Weather Made It Impossible To Extinguish Forest Fire
heavy rainstorm would cause the fire to go out itself and therefore no need for firefighting operation, says fireman representative [edited:typo]
I watched The Hunt for Red October the other night. The characters were good…
…and I really liked the subplots
A Jewish man is sent to heaven
He meets God and says, “Hey, do you want to hear a Holocaust joke?” “Sure”, God says The Jewish man says the joke, and God responds with, “That’s not very funny” “Well, I guess you had to be there”
A Rabbi is Traveling.
On his way, he stops through the town of Trid. As he walks through the town, he notices how empty it is. All the windows are shuttered and the doors are bolted shut. Eventually, he makes it to the center of town, where he finds a man hurrying through the streets. “Excuse me, sir!” the rabbi calls over. “What’s going on?” “Oh, Rabbi! Thank the Almighty!” the man cries. “Maybe you can help us!” “Oh?” asks the rabbi. “What seems to be the issue?” “See that large hill above the town? Recently, a giant moved in there, and it’s scared all the townsfolk! Some of us have gone up there to ask him to leave, but he just kicks them down the hill before they can make their case.” Now that the rabbi looked closer, he could just make out a dark form lying on top of the hill. “What do you want *me* to do?” “Could you please go up and negotiate with him?” “Well…” the rabbi wavered, “I suppose I could try.” So he went up the mountain. As he approached the form of the sleeping giant, he started to shiver a bit. The man’s story had him very nervous, but he did have to help these people. “Excuse me sir?” the rabbi asked. The giant didn’t move. “Hello, mister giant!” the rabbi shouted. Now the giant opened his eyes. He sat up, slightly groggy, and said in a deep, booming voice: “Hello there, little man. You’re not a Trid.” “No, I’m a traveling rabbi. The people of Trid have asked me for my help. You’re scaring them, you see, and they were wondering if maybe you could move somewhere else.” “Oh,” said the giant. “I was rather liking it here. Is it causing that much of a problem?” “Yes, unfortunately it is. The town was so quiet as I came in, not even the babies were crying. They’re terrified.” “Oh dear,” said the giant. “Yes, I suppose it couldn’t hurt to move a couple hills over.” “Thank you!” said the rabbi. “Of course.” “I have to admit, I was very scared that you were going to kick me down the mountain like you did the others.” At this, the giant let out a booming laugh. **“Ho, ho, ho, silly rabbi! Kicks are for Trids!”**