The funniest jokes the internet has to offer.
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Wanna hear about my appliances?
My fan blows me away, the fridge is cool, the vacuum sucks and the air ventilator just sits there and collects dust
When at a gun range, the most quintessentially important thing to keep in mind at all times is rifle safety
After all, you don’t want to end up with a case of gun-orrhea now do you?
Patriotic Grizzlies
A documentary crew was following two grizzly bears through their lives in Yellowstone park. The bears faced the normal struggles to survive the harsh seasons in Yellowstone, but one day the camera crew captured them in their greatest struggle to date… when they were viciously attacked by a large pack of wild wolves. The bears roared and fought, but with greater numbers the savvy wolves attacked from behind and latched on to the hind legs of both bears, eventually ripping them off. The wolves though, being bloodied themselves and having had enough of the bears’ violent defense, retreated. The bears, despite the loss of their hind legs, trudged on. Amazingly they learned to adapt and still catch fish from the streams. The camera crew continued to follow the grizzlies as they slowly dragged themselves around Yellowstone’s great valley in their search for food and survival. Then, months after the attack of the wolves, the two bears encountered another threat, steel traps left by poachers. The mama grizzly was the first to step into the bear trap. She let out a screeching howl as the trap closed on her left leg. Papa grizzly seeing mama in pain started dragging himself over to help as fast as he could. As he drew near he too caught his left leg in a second bear trap. With an incredible will to survive, both grizzlies chewed off their trapped legs to break free. Now even more amazingly, the bears continued on, slower than before, with just one front leg each and somehow managed to survive the harsh winter. Local media caught wind of the story of the grizzlies’ amazing fight for survival. A reporter approached the wounded bears, confident that the one-legged beasts posed little threat. He asked aloud rhetorically “how do you grizzlies keep going through all this?”. Just then papa grizzly looked up and smiled. “This is America bud. We ain’t quitters. We have a beautiful home, the fish are plenty. We even have the freedom of speech. And perhaps most importantly, we still have our right two bear arms.”
A magician was performing the sawing in half trick
He scouted the audience for a volunteer and picked out a young man in the front row. His glamorous assistant helped the man into the box and with a flourish produced the blade for the magician to insert into the box. To add a little bit of suspense to the trick the magician struck up a conversation with his participant: “So what football team do you support?” He asks “Man United” the man replies
Christmas shopping is already done! Got my wife perfume and a dildo.
If she doesn’t like the perfume she can go fuck herself!
Four nuns died togather and went to heaven.
An angle was waiting for them at the gates of heaven. He asked the nuns to queue up. First nun came forward and angel told her, "According to our records, you have seen the dick of father of your church after you took the oath. So, clean your eyes in that holly water fountain and go inside". The nun cleans her eyes and goes to the heaven. Second nun came forward and angel told her, "According to our records, you have touched the dick of father of your church after you took the oath. So, clean your hands in that holly water fountain and go inside". The nun cleans her hands and goes to the heaven. Seeing this the remaining nun started to chatter. Angel says," This is holy place of god. nothing is unseen here. So tell me what were you talking about". last nun says," I was telling her that if she is going to dip her ass in that fountain than i am not going to drink the water."
My dad’s joke: You see an older couple holding hands.
The older couple are laughing and apparently very much in love. Mom: Wow look at that, old but still passionate. Dad: I know them. They’ve been married for 40 years. Mom: Oh wow really? Dad: Yeah, just not to each other.
My wife reported domestic abuse to her doctor yesterday
Sadly the abusers, our 2 toddlers, remain at large.
My mother always told me that there’s nothing worse than running with scissors
Now that I’m older, I realize there’s one worse thing: scissoring with the runs