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Why do Hitmen have trouble maintaining steady relationships?
Because their dates are always afraid of being taken out.
I was mugged in Somalia, he took my phone
I was mugged in Somalia, he took my phone… but I tracked it via my smartwatch and later actually called my phone from the hotel room, to tell him… I knew of his EXACT location. When he answered I simply said, “Mogadishu.” He replied, “yeah… it’s me.”
Why did the scientist install a knocker on his door?
Answer: To win the Nobel Prize!
My boss calls me ‘the computer’.
Nothing to do with my intelligence, I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
A railway worker goes to a bar
Exhausted from the drudgery of his menial job, a railway worker, heads to his neighbourhood dive to let off some steam. After an uneventful few hours, the drinker’s reverie is disturbed by the entry into the bar of a well-to-do looking woman, who takes the seat next to him. His curiosity piqued, the railway worker asks the lady, “Ma’am, excuse me for saying this, but you don’t seem like the type to be drinking at a seedy little joint like this”. The lady explains to the man that she grew up in the neighbourhood but had left the place the moment she had the chance. Now, some 20 years later, she had made a life for herself in the big city with a high-positioned bank job and all the trappings of a jet-setting lifestyle. Already 6 or 7 or 8 drinks too deep, the railway worker understandably finds it hard to keep a hold of his emotions. “True power in this country is exercised by BANKS! You answer to no one and do as you damn please without fear of consequence or prick of conscience. How does it feel to wield absolute power over us common folk? “, he asks her. The banker replies, “Hey, that’s not fair, we don’t have absolute power over anybody. It’s simply not possible. Because last I checked, banks have cheques and balances, sir.”
A Geordie private in the Napoleonic Wars was walking alongside his General when he heard a rythmic rumble in the distance.
"Whats that noise, General?" the Private asked. "Those are war drums, lad" "Thieving bastards!" --- Hope you all enjoy this niche bit of Northern English humour!
A pirate walks into a bar with one of those big wooden ship steering wheels shoved down the front of his pants…
The bartender says, “Man, that looks uncomfortable. What is that big wooden ship steering wheel doing in your pants?” And the pirate says… “ARRRRGH! It’s drivin’ me NUTS!”
Three inmates on the way to prison…
Three inmates were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated. On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?" The first convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "Grandma Moses of Jail." Then he asked the second, "What did you bring?" The second convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire, gin, and any number of games." The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?" The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said, "I brought these." The other two were puzzled and asked, "What can you do with those?" He grinned and pointed to the box and said, "Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating...."
One day long ago, a Czechoslovakian came to visit his friend in New York
When asked what he wanted to see the Czechoslovakian replied, "I would like to see one of the zoos in America." To his delight, the New Yorker took him to the zoo. While they were touring the zoo, and standing in front of the gorilla cage, one of the gorillas busted out of the cage and swallowed the Czech whole. Shocked, his friend from New York quickly called over the zoo keeper. He quickly explained the situation and ask the zoo keeper what he planned to do. The zoo keeper asked the man, "Okay, which gorilla did it? Was it the male or the female?" Pointing out the female as the culprit, the zoo keeper then opened up the mouth of the female, looked inside, but found no signs of the Czech. With which the man from New York shrugged and said, "Guess the Czech is in the male."