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What spooked the mexican soccer announcer in the middle of the night?

Ghooooooooooooul

There is a haunted strip club in my town

I asked my wife if I could go see some BoOoOo-bies

I can hear throught walls.

I have X-thunder vision

Two guys from Colorado are hiking

and find a old glass bottle beside the trail. One guy picks it up and rubs it to clean it when a genie comes out and grants the hiker 3 wishes for setting him free. The hiker thinks for a minute and says, "Send all the Texans back to Texas." Poof! "Done!" Says the genie. The hiker thinks for another minute and says, "Put a wall around Texas 1000 feet high." Poof! "Done!" Says the genie. "You have one more wish." The hiker thinks for a minute then says, "Now fill it with water."

Why did the bee fail to get the job at a honey factory?

His application was nothing but buzz words

To the man who stole my copy of Microsoft Office...

I will find you, you have my word. You see, this is where I excel, my specific powerpoint. I only have onenote for you, you better be on the outlook.

What do you call someone who cleans the bottom of the ocean?

A mer-maid.

In order to be more inclusive, I changed my pronouns recently.

Moving forward it will be (we/our). We expect our responsibilities at our work will increase as we anticipate credit for all of our work.

Why did the chicken cross the road ?

she used to be a rooster

My brother and I made a bet— whoever lost our Scrabble game would have to eat a tray full of the tiles.

My next poop could spell disaster.

I decided to check my BMI for the first time

The app dialed 911 and requested an ambulance

A family of animal lovers goes out of town for a week and their beloved pets decide to give them a complete home makeover:

The birds: “we’ll do the painting and make the walls the colors of our beautiful feathers!” The cats: “we’ll do the flooring and make sure every corner is perfect!” The hamsters: “we’re so tiny, we can get into the wiring and make sure everything is up to date and safe!” What did the dogs do? The Roofing

How do you find out how heavy a red hot chilli pepper is??

Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now!!

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