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The Lizard and the Ape
One day, Mr Lizard is walking through the jungle and sees Mr Ape sitting in a tree. He waddles over to the tree and looks up and says “Hi Mr Ape, how are you doing today?” Mr Ape smiles and says “Oh hey man, I’m just chilling here smoking some weed. Why don’t you come up and join me?” Mr Lizard scuttles up the tree and has a few puffs with Mr Ape. After a while, Mr Lizard says “Hey dude, this is great, but I’m really thirsty now!” Mr Ape replies “Oh the river is just over there, go have a sip.” Mr Lizard climbs down the tree and heads over to the river. When he arrives, he sees Mr Crocodile who looks up and says “Morning Mr Lizard, what’s up with you?” “Oh hey Mr Crocodile, I’ve been smoking some weed with Mr Ape and now I’m really thirsty!” Mr Crocodile smiles and asks “Where is Mr Ape now?” “Oh he’s just in that tree over there through the bushes, you should go and say hello.” Mr Crocodile climbs out the river and walks over to the tree. He looks up at Mr Ape and says “Hey Mr Ape, what’s up?” Mr Ape looks down in shock and horror “Holy shit dude, how much water did you drink?!”
What do the Mafia and pussies have in common?
One slip of the tongue, and you’re in deep shit.
My penis was in the Guinness book of World Records
Then the librarian asked me to take it out
Why does Jesus Look so sad?
Because he high-fived with both hands and his disciples left him hanging.
Girl: “Come over”
Guy: “I’m coming over” Girl: “We should stop using walkie talkies in bed, over.”
I’ve been eating meat twice a day for three weeks and I’m still iron deficient.
My girlfriend has never been happier though. And next week should cure my anaemia.