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This Lady had a show dog,
It was a purebred Schnauzer from a champion blood line. All of her time and money went into taking care of this dog. The only problem, she always gets second place. Every dog show, second place. Well, she’s at the Westminster dog show, the biggest in the world and again, she gets second place! Infuriated, she’s wondering why in the hell her perfect dog keeps getting second place when she notices a young judge standing over in the corner by himself. Carefully, she walks over to him making sure no one is watching, looking all around, she whispers “I know we could both get into real trouble but I really need to know what’s wrong with my dog, I keep getting 2nd place?” Nervously and looking all around he says” Ma’am, I know exactly which dog is yours and it’s a beautiful dog but there is 1 thing wrong with it. If you remove the hair between its toes, you’ll get first place every time. I could get in big trouble telling you this but if you get some Nair, put it between his toes, first place every time.” She looks around to make sure no one is watching, slaps him $50 and leaves right away to the store. When she gets to the store, she decides to pick up a few other things since she’s already there. After she gets everything she needs, she makes her way to the checkout where it just so happens it’s this young man’s first day on the job as a cashier. He’s trying to be polite as he’s ringing up her groceries when he gets to the Nair. Being polite, he says to the lady, “Ma’am, you need to be careful on the area you use this because your skin will become sensitive.” She replies, “ well it’s for my Schnauzer!” The young man says “well then, don’t ride a bike for a few weeks.”
What was the original name for a trampoline?
It was called a jumpoline until your mom used it.
An American man walks into a bar in Russia...
He goes to the counter and orders a whiskey. A Russian man at the end of the counter starts laughing and says: "Who the fuck do you think you are? This is Russia, we drink vodka here." The American flips a coin into the air and shoots a bullet through it. He says: "Bill, Pecos Bill... And who the fuck are *you*?" The Russian pulls down his pants revealing two cocks and three pairs of balls. He says "Bill, Chernobill..."
A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get ou
As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death." He turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?"
So… I visited a recreational greens dispensary in the south…
I was greeted with: “Hey hun, how canna high you?”
A cat wandered into a museum last night and scratched up one of the impressionist paintings The Water Lilies.
It’s a clawed monet.
An elderly man dies while having sex.
The granddaughter, not yet knowing the cause of death, hurries to her grandparents’ house to comfort her grieving grandmother. When she asked what happened, her grandmother said “Well dear, even in our advanced age we still did our best to have fun in bed. But you know your grandfather had his heart issues, so we had to do it to something to keep the rhythm at a pace that was safe for him. We decided to do it on Sunday mornings when he could follow the ringing of the church bells. He’d go in with the ding, out with the dong, in with the ding, out with the dong, and so on.” “So what killed him?” Asked the granddaughter. “Well he’d be alive and with us today if that doggone ice cream truck didn’t decide to go down our street at the same time!”