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3 guys go hunting.
Three guys go hunting.. the first guy goes in the woods and comes back with a huge buck. The other 2 guys ask wow how did you find such a big buck? The first guy says I just seen the tracks and followed them and found the buck. So the second guy goes in. He comes back with an even bigger buck. The 3rd guy asks wow how did you find him? Second guy says I just did what the first guy did and found tracks and followed them to the buck. So the third go goes into the woods and he in there for a while . He comes back out all beat up with a broken leg. The first 2 guys ask what happened The third guy says ... well I did what you guys said and followed the tracks and then I got hit by the train.
You know when you think about it chicken eggs have accomplished a very big feat
They can get laid without a cock
What did Obi-wan say to Luke, when he saw him struggling with the chopsticks?
>!"Use the fork, Luke."!<
Pope and Bill Clinton die on the same day
Pope and Bill Clinton die on the same day. Due to a bureaucratic mistake, Pope goes to hell, Bill Clinton goes to heaven but they correct the mistake after a short time. On their way to opposite sides Bill Clinton and Pope run into each other and start a conversation. Pope talks about how much he wants to meet Virgin Mary and Bill Clinton goes -You missed that chance by 10 minutes
Movie ratings are an indication of who gets the girl
* Rated G - the prince gets the girl. * Rated PG - the hero gets the girl. * Rated R - the villain gets the girl. * Rated X - everyone gets the girl!
A mail carrier is about to retire…
So he puts a note in all of his mailboxes letting people know that his last day would be at the end of the week. On his last day, neighbors were showering him with gifts and praise for his many years of faithful service. As he approaches a house in his route, he realizes that he’s never even met the people that live there. But as he lifts the little flap to drop the mail in the mailbox, the door opens up and standing in the door is this stunning blonde woman wearing nothing but a sheer robe. She welcomed the mail carrier in and leads him to her bedroom where they have sex for hours. Once the fun is over, she tells him to get dressed and to meet her in the kitchen. When he walks into the kitchen, he sees the table covered in delicious-looking food. The woman tells him to sit down as she made a plate of anything he wanted. As he finished his breakfast, he thanked the woman for her hospitality. She said, “Not so fast. Flip the plate over!”. He flips the plate over to find a dollar bill taped to the bottom. He finally says, “Listen, I appreciate everything you’ve done. The sex was amazing, the food was just fantastic, and now money. But why!? In all the years I’ve been your mailman, I’ve never met you, nor have you ever put out gifts for holidays or anything. Why all of this now!”. The blonde women explains, “I got your note saying you were retiring. I asked my husband if we should do anything for you. His answer was, ‘Fuck ‘em, give ‘em a dollar.’ Breakfast was my idea!”.
I arrived early to the restaurant. The manager said do you mind waiting a bit?
I said no. Good, he said. Take these drinks to table nine.
Why did the farmer cross the road?
Because he couldn’t get his dick out of the chicken
What are some good jokes that would work as deflections for when my family harasses me about when I’ll graduate?
I’m about to visit a lot of family, and know every person and their mom is going to ask me this. The truth is I’m a very bad student and also don’t like taking a full course load. I like to enjoy life. I also just gave birth to twins, and I love my current job. They won’t care. I just want enough jokes so that I can deflect and make them laugh and we can talk about something else. So far I have for “when will you graduate?” “when I finish all my classes.” “At the right time.” Not bad but not my best, I think the stress is clouding my comedic abilities. Can anyone help me with some good funny responses?