The funniest jokes the internet has to offer.
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Why is the tower of Pisa leaning?
Cause it has better reflexes than the twin towers.
I worked at a sewage company.
when i worked there, i had two coworkers, Jake and Turner. once, we went out to an old house to do work on a septic tank. the homeowners said that the lid of the tank was rusted shut, and couldnt be opened. luckily, in their basement there was access to the tank for maintenance purposes. now, Turner was not the most bright worker. he had constantly made mistakes, misjudging measurements, breaking safety/hygiene protocols, and over all just being an unpleasant person to work with. as we were looking over the tank and wondering how we could pump out the innards, Turner reached out his hand and peeled off a hand-sized flake of rusted metal from the edge of the tank. instantly, the sewage and waste began to gush out of the newly torn hole in the side of the tank, flooding the entire basement to waist height. Jake slowly rotates to face Turner and stares at him, anger radiating off of his face. he shouts, **"IVE HAD IT UP TO HERE WITH YOUR SHIT!!!"**
Want to go camping?
Boy 1: If you went camping with a buddy and you woke up the next morning and your butt hurt but you couldn’t remember anything, would you tell anyone? Boy 2: no Boy 1: want to go camping?
Genie: What’s your first wish?
Toby: I wish I was Rich. Genie: Granted, what’s your second wish? Rich: I want lots of money.
A little russian boy always dreamt about becoming a cosmonaut.
He fulfilled his dream by becoming a russian tank driver
The oldest one I could think of on a Monday morning:
Where do cantaloupes go during the summer? John Cougar’s Melon Camp.
A Republican and a Democrat end up as neighbors
Every single day they have fights for their political beliefs in which they spiral out of control. As the years goes by they hate each other more and more. One day the Republican(John) has a terrible car accident right in front of the Democrats(Mike) house. "Mike!!" he yells. "Come quickly! please< I am dying!! Mike leaves aside his rivalry and rushes to help As Mike approaches, John calls out weakly. "Its too late Mike... Please...I have one final wish.." "What is it John tell me...?" Mike implores his dying neighbor. "Please, Mike. Contact your Democrat Party and please write me as an official member in your Catalogues." As fast as possible Mike grabs the phone and finalizes the process for John to be a Democrat. "Tell me John! Why did you make this choice now after all these years?" asks Mike with tears in his eyes.. John with his very last breath says... "Mike..one fuckin Democrat less now...fuck you...!"
Someone just reported that Mike Shinoda for sexual harrassment
Well, obviously, we have a rapist in Linkin Park...
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like grandpa.
Not screaming and crying like the passengers in his car.
My wife demanded to know why our rubbish was scattered all over the road.
I wanted to keep it a secret, but I ended up spilling the bins.