The funniest jokes the internet has to offer.
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Did you know about the deaf shepherd who gathered his flock and herd?
What about the blind carpenter who picked up his hammer and saw?
Another talking animal joke…
A farmer is sitting on his porch when a man in a suit and tie walks up to the door. Man: “Could I speak to your dog?” Farmer: “Dogs don’t talk, stranger, but go ahead.” The man turns to the dog and asks him how he likes the farm. Dog: “I love it here! My owner gives me lots of treats and plays with me.” The farmer is stunned, and he wipes his brow. Man: “Farmer, can I speak to your cow?” Farmer: “W-well, cows don’t speak but go ahead.” The man walks up to the cow and asks her how she likes the farm. Cow: “It’s lovely here. I get sunshine and all the grass I could possibly eat.” By now, the farmer is trembling and sweating heavily. Man: “Farmer, can I speak to your sheep?” Farmer: “NO! WHATEVER THAT SHEEP SAYS IS A GODDAMN LIE!”
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson are walking in a field
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson are walking in a field. Watson sees a tree out in the distance. "Say Sherlock is that an apple tree" says Watson "No" says Sherlock "Then is it a pear tree" "No it is not" "Then what is it" "A lemon tree, my dear watson".
Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight...
There would be mass confusion. " I lost 75 OVERNIGHT because of this ONE SIMPLE TRICK! ."
Why do Americans always win at the shootings in Olympics?
Because they’re trained at the best schools.
The police got a call from a woman saying someone had been following her for the past few hours.
They were surprised to find her at the front of a line for a roller coaster.
What do you hear when someone is doing bad stand-up comedy at a club full of dogs?
The sound of one hound clapping.
Most women I know look at sex like driving a car.
“Is it safe? Is it reliable? Could it kill me?” But most men I know look at sex like *parking* a car. “There’s a spot…there’s another spot. Oh, I have to pay? Never mind. Handicapped? I hope no one sees *this*!”
Today I went for a walk with a beautiful girl.
Then she noticed me so we went for a run.
How many Mexicans?
How many Mexicans does it take to... Holy sh** they are already done.
“I like animals” his date proclaimed.
“I work with animals” he replied. “Oh! Are you a vet?” she asked. “Nope. A butcher.”
Why does Elon Musk have so much money and 8 kids?
Because his dating life is the same as his investing Pump and Dump.