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Jesus is hanging on the cross.
There’s a big loud crowd gathered when he’s heard weakly calling for Matthew. Matthew rushes toward the cross but is brutally beaten back by the Roman soldiers guarding it. He runs around to the far side and tries again. Again he’s beaten back. Finally after several more attempts a beaten and bloody Matthew makes it to the cross. “Yes lord what do you have to tell me” Jesus replies “I can see your house from up here”
Following all the incidents with James at restaurants..
Areas are now being Cordened off.
Did you hear about the guy who got fired from Goodyear ?
He was sleeping on the job because he was tired ......
two cows are taking a bath. One says: "hey, can you pass me the soap please?"
To which the other cow starts screaming: "AAAARGH, A TALKING COW!"
Why should oceanographers be the Ones that report the news?
They’re always on top of current events!
A high school band teacher…
…was trying to teach a new orchestral piece for their upcoming concert. Knowing that the head of the school board was going to be in attendance, the band teacher was under a significant amount of pressure to make a good impression, lest he risk having the funding for the arts and music programs cut. As he tried to get the band to play a particularly difficult section of the composition, he became distracted by one of the clarinet players loudly talking with their friends. Several times he reprimanded the clarinet player for talking, but each time the band continued to play, the student resumed talking. Finally, the band teacher snapped and threw his baton at the clarinetist in anger, skewering the boy right through his heart. The teacher was arrested, a trial commenced, he was found guilty of murder and subsequently sentenced to death by the electric chair. Eventually the day came for the sentence to be carried out, and the teacher was given his final meal, walked to the chair, read his last rights, and the warden, with the heavy burden of duty, flipped the switch sending 2,500 volts of electricity through the teacher. After he threw the switch again, cutting off the circuit of electricity, he became astonished to see the teacher sitting calmly in the chair, and other than a slight bit of smoke and singed hair, he appeared to be perfectly fine. So again he threw the switch to electrocute the teacher, and once more the teacher sat there no worse for wear. A third time the warden tried, and a third time the teacher remained perfectly unharmed. So the warden, in accordance with state law, releases the teacher from incarceration, having failed three times to execute him. As the teacher walked out of the prison gates, he was greeted by a throng of reporters eager to get the story. As he approached the reporters, a young journalist from the Times approached him with a microphone in hand. Reporter: “They say you were electrocuted three times, how did you manage to survive?” Band teacher: “I guess I’m just a bad conductor.”