The funniest jokes the internet has to offer.

What did the boy who just lost his virginity tell him mom

Look ma no hands

There was a violinist with only one arm…

…he played by ear.

I got a voting booth to decorate my house today

it really polls the room together

3 monks were walking in the wild.

They were walking happily when all of a sudden, a big scary lion came out of nowhere and considered the monks there next meal. Terrified, the monks ran! The angry lion ran after them! As they ran they cried out "Oh please God convert this lion to be a Christian lion!" They saw the lion gaining on them from a far and cried louder! Eventually they came to a cliff and the lion had them almost cornered. Yet even louder they cried! "PLEASE OH LORD HEAR OUR PRAYER AND CONVERT THIS LION TO CHRISTIANITY!" The lion approached the monks slowly. For the last time the monks cried out loud "OH LORD HEAR US!" Suddenly the lion changes to a grateful expression and stop walking torwards them. The monks rejoice and praise God. The lion kneels down, puts his paws together and says: "Bless us, Oh Lord, and these thy gifts which we are about to receive from thy bounty, through Christ, Our Lord. Amen."

I read the dictionary the other day

At the start you think it’s the aardvark, but by the end it turns out the zebra did it.

Super Bowl Fun

It’s the Super Bowl, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the 50 yard line. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. ‘No,’ says the neighbor. ‘The seat is empty. ‘This is incredible,’ said the man. ‘Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl and not use it?’ The neighbor says, ‘Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven’t been to together since we got married. ’ ‘Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible….But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbor to take her seat?’ The man shakes his head. ‘No,’ he says. ‘They’re all at the funeral.’

Did you know diarrhea is hereditary?

Runs in your jeans

Why did the apple break up with the orange?

Because the banana was more appealing.

you know who Gunther IV hired as manager of the Pisa Soccer team?

Ted Lassie

I heard about the ideal gas law in physics class PV=nRT…

and I heard non-ideal gas law in a crowded elevator PU=faRT

What do you call a fat psychic?

A 4-chin teller

What do you call the nurse who’s knees are always dirty when she leaves the doctors private office?

Head nurse.

I just changed the order of things.

nhigts