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Lou came home to his wife from scaffolding at a skyscraper

Wife: “hi honey! How was your day?” Lou: “well not so good, you remember Doug, Johnny and Carl?” Wife: “why yes, from the last company retreat, your work buddies” Lou: “yes, so today we were all working on a scaffold several hundred feet in the air and just after I left them to go to the bathroom the scaffold snapped and they all fell to their deaths” Wife: “ohh nooo dear that’s horrible!! Poor wives to be widows at such a young age! Lou: “yes it’s horrible but at least the company has agreed to pay them a 500,000$ settlement to each widow” Wife: “oh for fuck’s sake of all the hours on your fucking shift you picked a helluva time to go take a piss! You worthless piece of shit!”

What did the flea say to the other flea ?

We should flee

Sir, could I interest you in a Pamphlet?

Sure Bro, I mean.... Brochure!

Ever heard of bob

He

My dad used to say you can’t just spill a glass of ink on a piece of paper and have an essay

My dad was a bit of a slob

What do dentists, historians and prostitutes have in common?

Oral history.

A guy proposed to his girl at the gym and She said yes.

Both are good examples of working out.

What does David Goggins and Viagra have in common?

They both want you to STAY HARD!

What did Mr. A say after be found out Mr. B slept with his wife?

“C what I mean, I knew I couldn’t trust B… He gave her the D!”

Did you hear about the guy who decided to explore his sadness fetish?

A decision he would come to regret

What did the vegan zombie say?

Ggggrrrrraaaiiiinnnnssssss

What do you call a fault that rises up back to its position

Default

My doctor told me I had Alzheimer’s

I don’t remember asking

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