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Morticians...
Do they consider the main part of their job to be making love or fucking?
What’s the difference between a hooker and Winnie the Pooh working in HR?
One gives man jobs for honey.
My Deliveroo delivery guy was called Jesus and had an estimated delivery time of 40 days and 40 nights
Christ on a bike
A tomato, a lettuce and a cucumber walk into a bar.
The bartender asks the group what are they having in this beautiful afternoon. The tomato says I will have ceasar dressing to get ready to join the salad, the lettuce says I will get some croutons to join in as well, the cucumber looks frustrated and says fuck it, i never end up in a salad so I will just have some lube.
Gabriel’s horn or heavens key?
It was time for Father John’s Saturday night bath and the young nun, Sister Magdalene, had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed: Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John’s nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do and pray. The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone. "Oh, sister." Said the young nun dreamily. "I’ve been Saved." "Saved? And how did that come about?" Asked the old nun. "Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven." "Did he?" Said the old nun curiously. Sister Magdalene continued. "And Father John said that if The Key to Heaven fits my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured salvation and eternal peace. And then, Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock." "Is that a fact?" Said the old nun even more curiously. "At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my Heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved." "That wicked old bastard." Said the old nun. "He told me it was Gabriel’s Horn and I’ve been blowing it for 40 years!"
I had a good-sized rock once, and something about it just looked kind of bold.
My brother had a much bigger one that was boulder.
A dad buys a lie detector robot that slaps you if you lie.
Dad: Son, where were you at school hours? Son: At school. The robot slaps the son. Son: Okay I was watching KungFu Panda! The robot slaps his son again. Son: Okay I was watching violent movies! Dad: What?! When I was your age I never watched those kinds of movies! The robot slaps the dad. Mom: Haha, after all, he is your son. The robot slaps the mom
Depressed, In a deep funk.. anyone have some good Dad jokes?
Looking for some good dad jokes or jokes in general to lift my spirits. Thank you