The funniest jokes the internet has to offer.
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A retired cop becomes a principal
One day, he catches a bully beating up a nerd. "Stop, stop," he orders the bully before he pulls out a baton. "Not in my school," he says to the bully. He then hands the baton to the bully. "Hit him with this, you amateur."
5 years ago, I asked the love of my life out on a date. Today, I asked her to marry me.
She said no both times.
I saw a man pulling a length of rope behind him on the street the other day...
Me: Why are you pulling that rope? Man: You want to try pushing it!
what does a brothel with ladders and a Country Music Festival have in common
At any moment you could have a hoe down
Remember: Licking the knife is acceptable after cutting something like cake
Not after surgery
One Christmas, a little boy wrote to Santa Claus saying, “Please send me a sister.”
Santa Claus wrote him back, “OK, please send me your mother.”
I like to go around to construction sites and give out handjobs.
A Jack off all trades.
A Jewish mother was discussing with her son …
… his plans for the future. “Well, mom, he says I’ve been thinking long and hard about it and I think I want to pursue a career as a comedian. With no hesitation whatsoever the mother replied, “You can’t do that!” Seeing as his mother was generally very supportive of his pursuits the son is taken aback and asks, “Why ever not?” “Because you’ll be standing in front of a large crowd on a regular basis.” Slightly exasperated the son replies, “Mom, I’ve been in front of large crowds before, I took drama in high school and was lead in the play, I don’t get stage fright.” “I know,” his mother stated, “but this is different, they’re all gonna laugh at you.” Old joke, but another one reminded me of it. To be honest all I really remember is Jewish mother and they’re all gonna laugh at you so hopefully it still works as presented.