The funniest jokes the internet has to offer.
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Why are discount cards so bad at scraping ice off a car?
Because you only get 10% off
Archimedes once said, "Give me a lever long enough and a fulcrum on which to place it, and I shall move
your mom."
What is the difference between a gay dude and a fridge?
A fridge doesn’t fart when you take out a sausage.
Why did the smartphone break up with his girlfriend?
Because he found someone charger!
“It’s a miracle! You were infected by a brain eating parasite. How are you cured?”
I frowned and said, “I kept asking it if mine was not like other brains and then it told me we needed some time apart.”
Why is my husband so into Saint Patrick’s Day?
He knows he is going to get lucky! (Made this up for you all, Happy Saint Patrick’s Day.)
Frat bros know that Good Friday occurs twice this year.
The first one is tomorrow. Kegs and eggs baby, yeahhhh!
A magician walks into a bar
“Are you ready for your show?” Asks the bartender. “Sure thing” says the magician, as he begins setting up on stage. The show begins, and the magician invites a woman on stage as his volunteer. “What’s your name, young lady?” asks the magician, to which the woman responds, “Hiro”. At the magician’s instruction, Hiro sits down in a chair, and blindfolds herself. “I want you to nod your head all the way down” says the magician, and once again Hiro listens. The magician then rolls an apple just in front of the chair. “Now, Hiro” says the magician, “I want you to slowly nod your head upwards.” As Hiro raises her head, the apple begins to float. The magician asks Hiro to continue moving her head, but now in any direction she wants. The audience is amazed as the apple follows her every movement. At the end of the performance, a tall man, with a short man, approaches the stage. “What’s the secret?” Asks the tall man. “The whole time it was Hiro” responds the magician, not so quick to give up his secret. “She magically moved the apple with her head.” “Too bad I couldn’t see all that well sitting behind everyone” goes the short man. “I’m sure it was incredible”. The next day, the the magician returns to the same bar, and upon noticing Hiro in the audience once again, says “Since you were so lovely yesterday, come back on up!” The same act ensues, and the audience is again astonished. This time a young man, with an old man, approaches the stage. “What’s going on here?” Asks the young man. Once again, the magician responds, “The whole time it was Hiro, she magically moved the apple with her head.” “In all my years” goes the old man, “I’ve never seen a show like yours. Well done” The third day, Hiro volunteers and the show goes on as per usual. This time, a skinny man, with a fat man, approaches the stage. “How do you do it?” asks the skinny man. “You see, the whole time it was Hiro, she ma…” BOOOOOM! goes the fat man.