The funniest jokes the internet has to offer.

clever dog

Bloke walks into a pub and sees a dog playing poker with 3 men. "He must be a clever dog" the bloke says, "not really" says the barman "whenever he gets a good hand he wags his tail"

What did Master Yoda say when he first saw himself in 4k?

HDMI!

Vladimir Putin’s poop

Recent news reports have stated that Vladimir Putin’s bodyguards have to collect his excrement every time he defecates when out of Russia. It was believed that this was to stop Western intelligence analysing Putin’s excrement to study his health. However the truth is that Putin, as a taunt to the Ukraine, posts a box containing his excrement to the Ukrainian President, Volodymyr Zelenskyy. Putin believes that is childish prank will break Ukraine’s will to fight on. However Zelenskyy has again got the better of Putin. Every time Zelenskyy defecates he takes a picture of his dump and sends the picture to Putin via electronic message over the internet to Putin’s inbox. This shows Zelenskyy’s contempt for Putin is greater as everyone knows the email of the faeces is deadlier than the mail!

My date wants to go somewhere expensive for the first date.

I think a trip to the gas station together will be most impressive in that case.

What do you call a fraudulent meditation instructor?

A chakra-con.

What did the iceberg say to the Titanic?

Cmon.. Just the tip??

How do you keep a fool in suspense?

I’ll tell you later…

PSA : do not buy products from Nivea

they make terrible yogurt

A father asks to speak to his son in private real quick while at baseball practice..

Ok bud, lets go over a few things: Youve been doing your homework right? Yes papa Youve been staying out of trouble at school? Yes papa Youve been doing your homework before you play action figures with your friends? Yes papa Youve been thinking of your papa? Yes papa (hugs papa) Youve been practicing your baseball everyday before you play action figures and GI joes with your friends? Yes papa Alright sport, you can go back to practicing with your team. Love you. Love you papa

I juat found out Jaden Smith is a rapper...

What does he even rap about? The political and economical state of the world?

I wrote a sixty four word joke

HAMILTON WROTE THE OTHER FIFTY ONE

Did you hear about Sir Patrick Stewart’s mishap during TNG?

So, apparently during an on-set costume check during filming of Star Trek: The Next Generation, Sir Patrick Stewart’s costume caught a snag on the model of the Starship Enterprise, just as it was being raised from said set, lifting Sir Patrick just off the ground. You could say he was hoisted by his own Picard.

What’s an accountant’s favorite candy bar?

Crunch