The funniest jokes the internet has to offer.

what do you call a Jew with learning difficulties?

Auschwistic!

A Texan rancher gets visited by his cousin from California.

After some friendly catching up the cousin asks him, „if there were any quiet spots in the area where one might be able to smoke a blunt in peace“. The rancher answers „sure, you can go over there, near the cow pasture is a nice bench you can sit on“ His cousin thanks him and the rancher goes to run some errands. As he comes back he sees his neighbors standing around and as he comes closer he sees his cousin standing on the fence, screaming at the cows: „you’re all black! Black!!“ One of his neighbors asks the rancher: „what in tarnation is he doing? do you know this lunatic?“ The rancher answers: „ that’s my cousin. And he’s not a lunatic. It’s not his fault; it’s the pot calling the cattle black.“

Painting a room

How many babies do you need to paint one room? ​ Only one, you just have to swing good.

My girlfriend was impressed that I could hold an erection for nearly 6 hours.

I was even more impressed that my neighbour could maintain an erection for that long, let alone let me hold it.

What is the difference between guns and women in the United States?

The former has more rights and attention than the latter.

What is written on a very successful hacker’s tombstone?

“R” His IP is well hidden.

I know the pilot for my flight to Charlotte had to be a woman

There’s just no way a man could find the CLT

What do you call an ant that fights crime?

A vigilante.

The U.S. banned trans-fats back in 2018 because they’re unhealthy

So then why the fuck did Biden choose one as our secretary of health?

In a nonpartisan society, would there be vending machines selling crack on the sidewalk right outside of elementary schools?

Of course! For starters, the happy hour would be before the first class, and covered by healthcare. We need to be a free society!

What happened to a politician when he became a monk?

He took a vow of silence.

Old Mother Hubbard

Went to the cupboard To get her poor doggie some bread But when she bent over Rover took over And Mother Hubbard got bread instead

Bought a 2012 Toyota Prius through the internet for $4000 today!

Hope it goes better than the last 10 year old I bought on the internet, she escaped and I went to prison for a long time.