The funniest jokes the internet has to offer.

What do you do if you see a flock of seagulls?

You run. You run so far away.

Did you know that William Shatner once tried to start up his own line of lingerie for women?

Unfortunately for him, Shatner Panties was a terrible brand name.

What’s a contrarian German’s favorite number?

Nine Nine Nine!

A sales guy rings the doorbell on a house, and the door is opened by a 12 year old, holding a glass of cognac and smoking a cigar

The sales guy is a bit stunned, but plows forward and asks, "Is your dad home?" The kid replies, "What the fuck do you think?"

What’s the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chick pea?

I’ve never had a garbanzo bean on my face

What makes a catholic priest different from a rapist?

The spelling is different.

What do you call it when two cephalopods do favors for each other?

Squid Pro Quo.

What’s got nine arms and sucks?

Def Leppard

a drunk man pukes near the sidewalk and a cat starts to drink it. Drunk many says:

"i dont remember eating a cat with sish kebab"

Mowing The Lawn

I mowed the lawn this morning, took a shower, and had a nap. When I woke up and looked out the bedroom window, the grass was the same length as before I mowed it. Bewildered, I went back outside and did the work all over again. Now I was completely exhausted. I fell asleep on the sofa as soon as I sat down. When I woke up and looked out the window, the grass was even higher. I began crying inconsolably. My wife came straight over and asked me what was wrong. "I fought the lawn and the lawn won."

What’s the last thing that goes through a bug’s mind when it hits a wind shield?

It’s asshole.

What did the programmer and criminal have in common?

They both kill children.

Research conducted in 2014 suggests that comets are like "deep fried ice cream".

Since then then sixteen astronauts have died with their mouths wide open.