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Harry the hair lip needs a job, but the problem is that he has Tourette’s.
Harry and 3 other people (Bob, Dylan, and Dave)decided to sell tooth brushes. The first week passes and Bob asks Dave how many toothbrushes he sold. Dave replies “ well I sold 400 toothbrushes” Bob says “Wow! That’s great” Bob turns to Dylan and asks how many toothbrushes he sold. Dylan replies “ I sold 500 toothbrushes” Bob replies “Wow! That’s amazing!” Bob turns to Harry and asks “ Well Harry, how many toothbrushes did you sell?” Harry replies “ Fuck you! Fuck toothbrushes! Fucking Shit” Bob replies “Okay, Okay, Calm down, try again next week.” Well next came and went and Bob asks Dave how many toothbrushes he sold. Dave replies “ Boss I sold 700 toothbrushes” Bob says “Wow! That’s a lot more than last week, that’s great!” Bob turns to Dylan asks the same question. Dylan reply’s “boss I sold 800 toothbrushes” Bob replies “Wow that is great” Bob turns to Harry and asks the same question. Harry replies “Fuck you! You Fucking Cunt! Shit Fucking Bitch” Bob says “Calm down, try again next week, maybe you need a gimmick” Harry replies “ Fuck you! Fucking Gimmick! Fuck this shit” Next week rolls by and Dylan and Bob are neck and neck, both are close to 1000. And Bob asks Harry how many toothbrushes he sold. Harry replies “ I sold 143,433 fucking toothbrushes “ Bob appalled by this and asks “How?” Harry replies “ Well I went to the fucking bar, and everyone knows me at that fucking shit bar. So when I walked through the fucking door, everyone yells “Hey it’s Harry!” So I fucking sit down and someone yells ‘Hey Harry’, I go ‘what the fuck!’ They say ‘can we get some fucking chips?!’ So I pass around some chips. Some one yells ‘can we get some fucking dip?’. So I pass around the fucking dip. After a couple of minutes someone yells ‘Hey this dip tastes like fucking shit!’ So I reply ‘Do you wanna buy a fucking toothbrush?!”’
My wife thought it would be fun if we each have a list of 3 people that would be OK to sleep with if given the chance.
**Her list:** Paul Rudd, Adam Levine, and Channing Tatum **My list:** Her best friend Stephanie, that barista at our coffee shop, and my ex girlfriend
The Social Accountant
Have you ever thought what it would be like to say ‘no’? I don’t mean, no to an occasional request, but, to say no to any and all requests? What happens when we push the boundaries that makes the social convention, nay, the social behemoth churn, and we turn it upside down? Lucky for you, I will do the thinking on your behalf and surmise the scenarios that make up that situation. Your job? Read, understand and judge. If that is too hard, then I kindly ask you to go jump *in front* of a bridge. **The Social Accountant** In the world of accounting, the debits should never be more than the credits and the credits better not hold back anything from the debits. If either scenario should happen, it is the role of the accountant to find out why, and then, summarily beat that scenario to death so that it never dares to lift its unbalanced head. Now that we understand what the role of an accountant is, now we need to look at the type of people who dream to be accountants. *The Irregulars* These folk are just not normal. *The money on my mind* All the see is money. Little do they know that the money they see is someone else’s, they are paid in Ks but all they dream is about those Ms. *Right is right and wrong should be right* Innate belief that everything should be balanced and the endless stream of the Ds and Cs act as soothing lullabies to their weary minds. In some ways, they are the best accountants, however, they are boring, so let’s stop talking about them. *The FP & A* Wanted to be an accountant, before realizing what accounting was. Tells everyone they work in Finance when they don’t, and never mention they may be an accountant, but since they deal with a budget or forecast, believe themselves to be not. These creatures are truly the social accountant. An accountant embarrassed to be called an accountant, but will tell anyone willing to hear them that they are in Finance and that is not accounting. Now that we have a good understanding of who our target for our painstaking psycho analysis is, let’s begin. In the world of the Social Accountant, there are two things that stand out. Whether the weekly, monthly, quarterly, and dare I say the yearly results are negative i.e. ooopsie or positive, i.e. I won’t be yelled at today. You see, the accountants are the ones that determine what the final number is, however it is the Social Accountant that goes around screaming at the top of their bolded letters neatly arranged in some excel worksheet or PowerPoint what those results mean. They go person to person sometimes in hierarchy of power, sometimes in absolute confusion and point to numbers and try to justify why that number is what it is. What the social accountant never does is say **no**. It turns out that I chose the wrong person to do the detailed analysis on. Ooopsie.
Did you know the US police have the most comprehensive and well maintained database of potential racist shooters?
They call it “the payroll”.
Burn!!
Husband: Am I the only one you have ever been with? Wife: Of course honey… All the others were nines and tens.
The Vitória F.C. has recruited a new striker, but he really sucks
because he see two ball