The funniest jokes the internet has to offer.
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The best chicken joke ever!
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg is frowning and looking a bit pissed off. The egg mutters to no one in particular, "Well, I guess we answered THAT question!"
The blind salesman a woman in the shower
A woman was taking a shower when she heard a knock on the door. She called out, “who is it? I can’t come to the door right now, I just stepped out of the shower” The man at the door answered “Don’t worry lady, I’m a blind salesman”…so the woman says “ok you can come in”. He gets inside and asks: “where would you like the blinds?
Was out at a local golf course with a friend trying to get a full 18 in.
We get to the back 9. The tee box was right by the road. My friend was up to tee off when a funeral procession drives on by. He stops, takes off his hat, placed it over his heart, and waited til the procession went by. “That was really respectful of you,” I said. “It’s the least I could do after 10 years of marriage,” he replied.
My wife told me I should look at things from her point of view.
So I stared out of the kitchen window.
A man exits his church…
As he is leaving, he sees a flyer on the outside of the building. It reads, “Father Daniel is preaching for next week’s sermon, on the 22nd.” The senior pastor always delivers a strong message, the guy thought to himself. Anyways, he heads to his grocery store to get his week’s food, and sees the same flyer all over the grocery store. “Okay, my church family is just encouraging people to come,” he thought. After getting his items, he walks out to his car and there are flyers all over that, too! “OK, they’re making sure I am certain on showing up next Sunday.” Finally, as he is driving home and approaching his neighborhood, every house is covered with these flyers, including his. He is taken aback and decides to go back to the church, and to the pastor’s office to see what is going on. Upon asking him why there are flyers all over town, the pastor replies, “Oh yeah, this happens quite often when I put up a flyer. This community just loves to repost for some reason!”
"Oh no, the rubber ripped!"
- Alissa (24 years old) panics, jumps up from bed, and runs into bathroom - Alfred (25) needs new tires for his car -Lara (27) now has *no* pony-tail - Ben (28) holds his covid-mask to his face in the bus -David (29) watches his friend during bungee-jump
Didn’t quite understand the prompt…
An Immigration Officer is interviewing foreign workers to see if they have useful job skills to earn a work permit. When asked what they do for a living, the first applicant answers “I’m a gas fitter.” Oh good,” says the Immigration officer, “we need gas fitters. Work permit approved!” Another applicant comes and answers that they’re a diesel fitter. “Perfect,” the Immigration officer replied, “we need more diesel fitters these days. Approved!” A third applicant comes along and has a bit of trouble with understanding and speaking English. The Immigration Officer asks, “And what do you do for work?” The answer comes out with a heavy accent, “I put the lace in ladies’ panties.” The Immigration Officer is a both amused and confused, and figures they must’ve heard the answer incorrectly. “Can you say that again, please?” The answer is the same - the applicant says very slowly “I put the lace in ladies’ panties,” and pulls a pair of clean, lacy underwear out of a pocket to illustrate the point. “I’m sorry,” the Immigration Officer answers, “but what we really need just now are people in the trades. It would be different if you were a gas fitter or a diesel fitter…” “Yeah, okay!” the applicant nods excitedly in agreement, then holds up the pair of underwear, stretching them out slightly to show the lace better. “Deez’ll fit ‘er!”
My sexbot is nearly complete
I just need to work in a few kinks! …Later, when they find my dead body: "Seems like this robot… turned on its creator!"