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Did I ever tell you the joke about my favorite garden herb?
No? Well, it’s about thyme!
It was a peaceful Sunday morning
A husband is walking with his wife on the sidewalk when he sees a dude whom he had a lifelong grudge with. The dude immediately goes hostile upon seeing the husband and is clearly looking for a fight. The wife gently tells her husband to attack him mentally, ending the fight before it even begins The husband listens and nods in agreement. When the hostile person gets close, the husband immediately punches him in the chin, knocking him out immediately. The wife looks at him quizzically. The husband responds "attacked him mentally"
Why is there only one Yogi Bear?
Because when they tried to create a second one, they made a Boo-Boo.
Though I lost to the mushrooms, you know what I love about them?
Their good SPOREsmanship
If you have invested in an ice making business, my advice will be to withdraw your money.
They …are having liquidity issues.
Putin visits a school
For a morale boost and publicity stunt, Putin visits a Moscow elementary school He talks to them about how Russia is a powerful country admired around the world. At the end of the talk, there is some time for questions. Little Sasha puts her hand up and says, "I have a question: why did we invade Crimea and Ukraine?" Putin says "Good questions..." But just as he is about to answer, the bell goes, and the kids go for lunch. When they come back, they sit back down and there is time for some more questions so another girl, Misha, puts her hand up and says, "I have three questions. My Questions are: Why did the Russians invade Crimea and Ukraine? Why did the bell go 20 minutes early for lunch? And where is Sasha?"
Soviet joke: A regional Communist Party meeting is held to celebrate the anniversary of the Great October Socialist Revolution.
The Chairman gives a speech: “Dear comrades! Let’s look at the amazing achievements of our Party after the revolution. For example, Maria here, who was she before the revolution? An illiterate peasant; she had but one dress and no shoes. And now? She is an exemplary milkmaid known throughout the entire region. Or look at Ivan Andreev. He was the poorest man in this village; he had no horse, no cow, not even an axe. And now? He is a tractor driver with two pairs of shoes! Or Trofim Semenovich Alekseev – he was a nasty hooligan, a drunk, and a dirty gadabout. Nobody would trust him with as much as a snowdrift in wintertime, as he would steal anything he could get his hands on. And now he’s Secretary of the Party Committee!”
A Sodium atom walked into a Bar.
Bartender: How may I serve you today? Sodium: Nothing special just the basic stuff Bartender: OH... Sodium: Yes. >!NaOH is a Basic Chemical!<
I took my girlfriend to the library to show her that my penis was in the Guinness Book of Records.
But the librarian told me to take it out!