The funniest jokes the internet has to offer.
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Bloke goes for a drink with his missus
“Pint of lager please Dave, and a white wine for the old donkey” Barman Dave raises and eyebrow and serves the drinks. An hour later. “Another pint of lager please Dave, and another white wine for the old donkey” Dave raises eyebrow again and serves the drinks. Anyhow this goes on all night, so when the bloke is the toilet, Dave goes over to his missus…. “Excuse me love, all night your fella has been referring to you as ‘the old donkey’” The woman laughs… “E-aw, e-aw e-always calls me that!!!” (a pun better spoken)
What kind of stone do you need to evolve eevee into a ghost type?
Easy any stone can do the job, just remember aim for the head
My favourite nun joke
The nuns from the Convent of the Immaculate Conception were on a day trip when their bus went off the road, plunged over a cliff and they were all killed. It had been a long day at the gates of heaven and Saint Peter had been counting down the minutes to knocking off time and some well-earned cloud lounging when word came through of a late rush and the nuns began to appear looking slightly stunned, blinking in the bright sunlight. Saint Peter sighed deeply and uttering a silent curse to his bad luck and proceeded to attempt to organise the nuns into something resembling an orderly queue, shouting to be heard above the uproar. He spoke briefly to one of his minions who scurried away, then he turned to address the rabble of rowdy religious. “Listen carefully, I will only say this once.” Gradually the babble of excited chatter died down and the nuns turned their faces towards Saint Peter who stood between them and the Pearly Gates and the pleasures which lay beyond. When silence had eventually fallen Saint Peter continued, “At my feet is a bucket and in this bucket is water. It is holy water of the most holiest of the holy waters in heaven”. The nuns muttered their approval. Silence fell again and Saint Peter continued, “In order to expedite procedures given the late hour I will ask each of you to come forward and, without needing to offer an explanation of any sort, wash the part of your body with which you have sinned in this most holy of holy waters, after which you may proceed to your just deserts without further ado.” A murmur of approval ran through the throng of sisters and within seconds one of their number was thrust to the front where she hesitated for a second before the holy bucket. Sister Aloysius was her name and as she thought back on her life of prayer and devotion only one small episode from her youth troubled her purity. She had once, as a young and impressionable maid working for the summer in a dairy, come under the influence of a randy and lecherous older man who had persuaded her to touch him in the most unpure of places and in the most unpure manner. Bashfully blushing at the memory she dipped her hand in the holiest of holy waters, whereupon a ray of light from the sky illuminated her and guided her way through the gates of heaven and to her eternal reward. The other nuns muttered their approval and Saint Peter allowed himself a terse smile at the prospect of this backlog being dispersed with in double times. Next in line was Sister Mary Immaculate. Old and haggard, one could hardly imagine she had ever been prey of male desires. But she duly dipped her right foot in the water and was rewarded with the illuminated path to paradise. It was at this point that a commotion was heard from the back of the herd and signs of pushing and unrest became evident. Saint Peter sighed again, fearing his optimism had been misplace. After quite a bit of shoving and elbowing and more than one expert punch thrown, Sister Concepta eventually managed to force her way to the head of the queue. Saint Peter stopped her there and enquired in his most imperious tone, “What is the meaning of this unruliness?” Sister Concepta looked up at him, her feet firmly planted in a no-nonsense pose, and said, “Listen Pete, if I’m gonna have to gargle this water I want to do it before Sister Rosaria sticks her fucking arse in it!”
What gets longer when you jerk it, fits between boobs, slides in a hole and loves to be pulled ?
A Seatbelt.
A blonde comes home to surprise her husband after getting a promotion at her job.
She walks into their house carrying burgers from his favorite fast food joint and a box of chocolates, anxiously awaiting to share the good news. She calls out to her husband, “Honey, I’m home! Guess what happened at work today?!” She hears thumping noises coming from their bedroom upstairs. The blonde woman walks up the stairs step by step, and as she gets closer, she hears her husband’s voice and a voice of another woman giggling and moaning. Her heart is racing faster and faster as she gets closer to the bedroom door. She prepares herself for the worst. She opens the bedroom door and sees her husband balls deep in a brunette woman. The husband and the brunette see the husband’s blonde wife and scream in surprise. As they shuffle the bedsheets to cover themselves, the husband says “Baby wait! It’s not what it looks like!” The blonde furious about her husband’s betrayal screams “How could you do this to me! I’ve done everything for you!” The blonde walks angrily to the closet, opens their safe and pulls out a handgun. “Woah, woah, what are you doing?!” her husband yelled. “I’m so sorry, please I can explain!” all while the brunette is screaming for her life. “Yeah, you can explain in hell!” said the blonde out of pure frustration. The blonde then proceeds to point the gun at her own head. Her husband and the brunette are yelling at the blonde to not pull the trigger. “No please, don’t do it!”, pleaded the husband. The blonde then yells, “Shut up, you’re next!”
Does anyone have some good memes or something about the Yahoo Redirect Virus?
I find it pretty miserably funny that Yahoo needs malware just for people to use their website!
Professor X asks a girl, "what is your mutant power?"
Girl replies: "I can guess how many pulls to turn a ceiling fan off on the first try!" She points up and says: "5 pulls" Professor X stands up and pulls 5 times. After the fourth pull the fan turns off. Professor X: "It. Took. 4. Pulls!" Girl: "Yeah I was jut kidding, I can heal paraplegics" Professor X, still standing: "Oh my god"
My friend visiting from France wants to try real American food
She was really pissed off when I bought her French fries.
I saw 3 grown ups pushing and punching a little girl the other day, so i ran over and helped
she had no chance against us 4
They say dead people get to walk on stairs to heaven
I hope God provided ramp or something because how else Stephen Hawking gonna walk up the stairs.
chicken knots
A Texan mathematician turned farmer discovered in knot theory a special type of knots with weird properties, he demonstrated those knots of the necks of his chickens. He named them " chicken knots" or "hen ties". Google "hen tie" for more information.