Things better not said - our best
... Jokes ...Why did the first three Starwars movies come out AFTER episodes 4-6?
In charge of directing, yoda was.
Every standup comedian should use a Bluetooth microphone
Yes, I know it from my own experience.
Recently I had to rush to the restroom during my set. If I was using a Bluetooth microphone, I could keep telling my shitty jokes in the restroom.
An old man shuffled into a dairy bar
He got slowly and painfully up onto a stool. He ordered a banana split. The waitress asked, “Crushed nuts?” “No, arthritis.”
In America you can go on the air and kid the politicians,
and the politicians can go on the air and kid the people.
What do you call someone who never passes gas in public?
A private tutor.
There is a horse outside of the bar
So I enter the bar and ask the bartender “why is that horse outside?” to which he responds “well you pay me $50 and if you make the horse laugh I’ll give you $200.” I say I’ll take you up on this and hand him $50, then we walk outside and I make the horse laugh. I go back to the same bar the next week and ask the bartender “what’s deal with the horse still being outside?” The bartender looks at me through squinted eyes and says “no, this time you pay me $50 and if you can make him cry I’ll give you $200.” I pay the $50 and we walk out of the bar and I make the horse cry. The bartender looks at me suspiciously and asks how I did it?” I respond “last week in order to make the horse laugh I whispered in his ear that my dick is bigger than his and today to make him cry, I showed him!”
A burglar robbed an icicle testing factory yesterday.
He took the largest ones. Man ,he sure got some big test icicles.
What does environmentalist Andrew Tate call woman?
bio degradable sex doll
“You do one nice thing for someone and they threaten to ruin your life!”
A man is cutting his grass when he gets the sudden urge to be a helpful neighbor and cut theirs too.
His neighbor comes outside and says to him, “I could marry you for cutting my grass, thanks!”
The man walks away and mutters, “People are so unappreciative these days. You do one nice thing for someone and they threaten to ruin your life!”
Two chemists walk into a bar.
Chemist 1: I’ll have H2O.
Chemist 2: I’ll have water also.
Chemist 1 walks away frustrated as his assassination attempt failed.