Things better not said - our best

What weighs more, a gallon of water, or a gallon of butane?
A gallon of water. Butane is a lighter fluid.

I told my wife that what she’s wearing isn’t appropriate for gardening.
But..she’s digging in her heels.

Someone asked me how I view lesbian relationships.
So I said in full HD.

Yo mama so fat
That scientists call her "The Great Attractor"

Question for Radio Eriwan:
Question for Radio Eriwan: Is it correct that comrade Wassiljewitsch was arrested and sentenced to 35y of prison for calling comrade Stalin an idiot on the last party congress? Answer: Basically yes. He was immediately arrested and sentenced. And he was sentenced to 35y but not for insulting a fellow comrade but for leaking classified information.

Why was the movie theater sad on Valentine’s Day?
Because it got projected.

Some cockroaches turn white after not being in the sun for most of their life
I was pretty surprised to learn that some cockroaches play fortnite

What did the Pakistani wife say to her husband on their first night?
Grab Mehboob

How do you derail a Norfolk Southern Train?
Put it on the tracks.

Have you heard about the guy no one cared about?
Neither have I

What do you call a uncircumcised black man?
A brotherhood.

I went to the doctor as I had been suffering some hearing problems...
The doctor said "Can you describe the symptoms for me?" Surprised, I replied "Homer is a big fat yellow bloke and Marge has big blue hair."

What do you do if an iceberg gets in your way?
You climate.