Things better not said - our best

I think I’ve developed a phobia of German sausages
I keep on fearing the wurst

It used to be called a Jumpoline..
Untill your mom jumped on it.

I went to to Straight Orgy.
It was boring, they were just fucking pussies there.

My father would take me to the zoo every week.
Said he hoped my real parents would claim me.

What do Kanye West, FireFly, and my Netflix subscription have in common?
They’ve all been cancelled.

What do you get when Wonder Woman [nsfw]
What do you get when Wonder Woman has sex with a transformer? . . . . Amazon Prime

My date for Valentines told me I had the biggest Willy she’d ever felt.
Turns out she was pulling my leg.

Little Lisa went home and told her mom that little Jonny showed her his penis
Lisa’s mom asked what she thought of it. Little Lisa said it reminded her of a peanut Lisa’s mom giggled and asked if it was because it was small Lisa said no mom, because it was salty

I have this problem with flying boats in my house...
...sails go through the roof

A man goes to see his doctor, “Doc, help me. I’m addicted to Twitter!”
The doctor replies, “Sorry, I don’t follow you …”

i just got banned with my other account
This subreddit is a joke

Fastest way to stop an argument between a bunch of deaf people?
Just switch off the lights.

I was watching a horror movie with my wife
When suddenly is screamed, “close your eyes, a ghost is coming!!!” I was half way through asking why I should close my eyes when I took a full load to the face.