Things better not said - our best
... Jokes ...I used to be able to go to the grocery store with $20 and come back with food for a month
Try doing it nowadays with cameras everywhere
A seller at a flea market told a lady that an old mirror was magic and could grant wishes
She bought the mirror and brought it home. Looking for a suitable place to hang it, she settled on the back of the bedroom door. Taking a moment to collect her thoughts and wishes, she faced the mirror and pronounced, "Mirror, mirror, on the door, make my breasts size forty-four!” Instantly, her bra strap burst, her blouse buttons popped off, and she had much larger breasts.
Her husband came home, went into the bedroom and was stunned at the sight of his buxom wife admiring herself in the mirror. When she explained the magic, he immediately crowded her to the side to face the mirror, saying, "Mirror, mirror, on the door, make my penis touch the floor!" so his legs fell off.
I told my son that I found his hamster in our vacuum cleaner.
With tears in his eyes he said, "Please get a new one, daddy..."
"I was thinking the same," I said, "the suction is absolutely terrible."
Topical
Someone tried to sell me a box of seaweed this morning. Must be Vraic Friday.
What’s the worst part of thanksgiving dinner in Alabama?
Having to sit around a table with all the people you’ve slept with.
Went to see a psychic today..
I ran the doorbell then heard a voice from inside say "who is it?"
I left.
Great news! I got the whole plane to myself!
The large group going to the psychics convention all cancelled at the last minute.
Why did Santa Claus wash his clothes in Tide?
It was too cold out Tide.
The Bayeux Tapestry is not historically accurate
The whole story has been embroidered.