Things better not said - our best
... Jokes ...I went to the zoo yesterday and saw a baguette in a cage.
**The zoo keeper told me it was bread in captivity**
The pickle factory worker
Jim worked in a pickle factory, and one day he got the strongest urge to stick his penis in the pickle slicer. He knew he shouldn’t do it, but the urges were just too much. He went to the on call psychologist offered through his employer and confided his urge with them.
First session:
Jim: “I’m sorry doc, I just can’t stop thinking about it, what do I do?”
Doctor: “well, I’ve got some breathing techniques you can try and it just might help.”
Jim gives the techniques a shot, but to no avail. The urge is still there.
2nd session:
Jim: “I just can’t stop thinking about it!”
Dr: “next time you have the urge, think about all the horrible consequences and trauma that it will cause”
Jim does this, but again to no avail.
3rd session:
Jim: “doctor, I’m at the end of my rope here, please help me”
Dr: “Jim, there’s nothing else I can do for you. You know the consequences, so if you do decide to act on your urge, then you know what will happen.”
Of course, the urge doesn’t go away, Jim sticks his penis in the pickle slicer, and he’s subsequently fired from his job. He gets home, down trodden and depressed, and his wife asked him what happened.
Jim: “I’m sorry honey, but I stuck my penis in the pickle slicer, and they immediately fired me.”
Shocked, his wife walks up to him, pulls his pants down, only to see a fully intact penis.
Wife: “what the hell happened to the pickle slicer?”
Jim: “oh, she also got fired.”
I got this from my 12yo cancer patient as I was rounding today...
How do you put an elephant in a Safeway bag?
You take the f out of safe and the f out of way.
When God created Adam and Eve...
He said to them: I have two gifts to give you one is to do pee standing up and...
Adam, very anxious, interrupted him screaming: M E... M E...I want it, please Lord... please... please... please... This would make life a lot easier!
Eve agreed and said those things didn’t matter to her.
So God gave Adam the gift.
Adam was amazed ,screaming for joy, running through the Garden of Eden, peeing on every tree.
He ran along the beach making drawings with his pee in the sand
He lit a fire and played fireman..
God and Eve stared at the mad man with happiness, until Eve asked God:
And... What is the other present?
And God answered:
A Brain, Eve ... The brain is yours !!!
Sweet Mary had just gotten to High School.
Sweet Mary comes home from her first day in high school and her mom asked her what did you do today?
Mary says not much but the boys all got together and gave me a quarter to climb the flagpole.
Her mom said you shouldn’t do that those boys just wanted to see your panties
Well said Mary they wasted their quarter because I’m not wearing any.
All world leaders should be women!
Instead of going to war, they would just stop talking to each other.
An old man walks into a library
He walks up to the librarian and says “Get me a scotch.”
The librarian says, “Sir this is a library, not a bar.”
“Oh I’m sorry.” the old man replies, and he leans in to whisper *Get me a scotch*
My grandpa died during 9/11...
He was the greatest pilot in Saudi Arabia.
I asked Siri why I was still single
Then she activated my front camera
Gender is like my parents.
There used to be two of them, and now it is a sensitive subject.
Why couldn’t Jesus get into medical school?
He kept getting hung up on the boards