Things better not said - our best
... Jokes ...What did the cannibal say when he saw the Mexican priest?
Holy guacamole!
A husband is sitting on the couch…
Watching TV and his wife calls from the kitchen “Darling would you like chicken or beef?”
The husband answers “Beef!”
The wife replies “I was talking to the cat, you’re having soup asshole!”
What do you call a Marine wearing an Air Force uniform?
Artificial intelligence
79% of people don’t know opposite words for the following:
1) Always
2) Coming
3) From
4) Take
5) Me
6) Down
Beach days ….
My friend tells me if you really want the girls to notice you at the beach practice your walk, get a nice Speedo bathing suit, and toss a potato down into the Speedo. This will drive the woman nuts.!!
Well I did everything, but still had no luck.
This is when he informed me that the potato was supposed to be in the front ……
True story, I was in a line at a grocery store when an old woman ahead of me told me I looked like her dead son
She started crying and touched me saying you look just like him, the hair, the eyes, the smile. I just stood there awkwardly trying to hold it together. Before leaving she asked me for a strange favor - When I leave, could you just wave to me and say “Don’t worry Mom!” It would just mean the world to me, I miss him so much and he always would tell me that when he was alive. Reluctantly, I give in and agree to her request. After what seems like an eternity, I reach the cashier and she rings me out. The total will be $150 she says. Confused, I tell her that must be a mistake, I was only buying a candy bar and a soda, the total should be less than $10. The cashier says that’s right but your mom just told me that your covering her purchases. All of a sudden, my confusion turns into anger after realizing what happened. I burst out of the store and see the lady trying to climb into her car. I grab her by the leg and starting pulling it - just like I’m pulling yours.
I got myself a Crypto wallet and surfed the Dark Web, seeing what illicit "goods and services" were available, if you know what I mean?.
Chuffed to bits. Managed to get an appointment with a GP.
Have you heard the news of Pepsi deciding to change their slogan?
It is now officially "Is Pepsi okay?"
The Flat Earth society have made a new documentary....
.....which has been nominated for the Golden Globe award.
Why do lesbians use academy (the sports equipment place)
Because they don’t like dicks