Things better not said - our best
... Jokes ...Two old ladies were walking over a bridge
Two old ladies were walking over a bridge when one of them says “you know, I’ve always wanted to pee off the side of a bridge like men do”
So she pulled down her panties lifted her dress, sat on the railing of the bridge and relieved herself. The other old lady thought it looked like such a hoot she too pulled down her panties, lifted her dress and sat on the bridge railing. “Watch this,” she said “I’m gonna pee on that canoe down there.”
Her friend looked over the edge and responded “that’s not a canoe, that’s your reflection.”
Twelve priests were about to be ordained.
The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude in a garden, while a sexy and beautiful big breasted nude model danced before them.
Each priest had a small bell attached to his penis and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.
The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off and fell clattering to the ground.
Embarrassed, he took a few steps forward and bent over to pick up the bell. Then all the other bells started to ring.
The one where Einstein switched places with his driver.
Am I doing this right?
Beaver 1: “Sir, the river is running at full capacity with no obstruction!”
Beaver 2: “Dammit!”
You know who invented quarter of an hour and half an hour?
- Schopenhauer
My parents were high when they got engaged
The view from the himalayas was spectacular though
At an Ultra Orthodox Yeshiva . . .
“You’re gonna suck bloody baby dicks” is a compliment.
A lawyer boarded an airplane in Dublin
with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde flight attendant to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew’s fridge. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior. Shortly before landing in London, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, “Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in Dublin, please raise your hand?” Not one hand went up.... So she took them home and enjoyed them. Two lessons here: 1. Lawyers aren’t as smart as they think they are. 2. Blondes aren’t as dumb as most folk think
A man wakes up heavily injured in a hospital after a short period of coma
After the doctors stabilized him, they asked him what happened. The man says: “Well, the last thing I can remember is laying down in the couch with my wife and watching a movie with her. Then, I remember wanting to drink a beer, so I asked my wife to go and snatch one for me. She told me to go and get one myself... A few minutes later, she had received a text message, but her phone wasn’t near her, so she got up to read the message. The message said: ‘Dear wife, since you are now standing up and away from the couch, please bring me a beer’. After that, I remember waking up here and seeing you, doctor.”
I read recently that a new species of buck has been recently discovered and it has been observed that this new buck species can jump higher than the average house.
This is very concerning because the average house cannot jump!
What happens when you play a country song in reverse?
The singer gets his dog, home and wife back.
What did the gold prospector when he discovered his untimely tract infection?
URETHRA!!