Things better not said - our best

Guns have more rights than you women..
they’ve been killing kids for years and aren’t banned

My ex always complained about how difficult our sex life was
I asked her "what was so hard about it?" She said "that’s the problem"

I’m a big fan of Fraud and have been since I was a child.
He‘s the father of psychology. Who wouldn’t be?

Have you heard about Don Jon becoming a software developer?
He was having trouble using version control due to his commitment issues.

NASA said they found water on Mars
Which Makes Mars 1:0 Africa

What do binary and djent have in common?
01010100 01101000 01100101 01111001 00100000 01100010 01101111 01110100 01101000 00100000 01100100 01101001 01100100 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 01110010 00100000 01101101 01101111 01101101 00101110

I was angry at my friend and he sarcastically asked "what would Jesus do?"
So I flipped over the table and chased him from the building with a whip.

Why is Ukrainian and Russian politics funny?
One has a comedian for a president, the other has a joke.

It’s my birthday today and I don’t ask for a whole lot
Just be tied up, gagged and stuffed in a dog cage. Like a normal person. Is that too much to ask??

Before I met her, I drank and swore without reason…
… now I have a reason.

What’s Irish and stays out all night?
Patty O’Furniture.

What’s orphan taking a selfie doing?
Taking a family photo.

When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.