Things better not said - our best
... Jokes ...She said: "Come to my place this evening, there will be nobody home."
I went there and rang the doorbell. There was nobody home.
When I get stoned I like to listen to Pink Floyd & eat a lot.
I have become comfortably plump.
Why wouldn’t the midlife crisis battery discharge?
It was trying to keep current.
Interesting new Twitter policy
You’re no longer allowed to reference group sex, specifically threesomes. Because reasons.
A woman explains to her doctor her recent issues with going to the bathroom.
I’ve had horrible constipation,” she explains.
“I haven’t been able to go for weeks.”
“Are you doing anything for it?” the doctor asks.
“Well, I’ll force myself to sit on the toilet for a half hour in the morning and a half hour before bed.”
“No, I meant are you taking anything?”
“Oh,” she replies. “Yeah, I usually take a magazine.”
My wife laughed when I said I still had the body of an 18 year old
Until she checked the freezer
My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back?
My brother said he thinks I’ve been a little demanding with his wife.
I don’t know where he was coming from, but I did tell her she doesn’t have to swallow anymore.
Who was the first drug addict in the Bible?
Nebuchadnezzar -- he was on grass for seven years.
A cob of corn finishes his service in the army and retires
as a Colonel in good standing among his field