Things better not said - our best
... Jokes ...What do you call it when a musical spider regrows a limb quickly?
Allegro.
Do you know what the study of water is called?
The thirst for knowledge
What’s the difference between hungry and horny?
Where you put the cucumber.
Did you know Musolini was a pioneer in biofuels?
He promised to make the trains run on thyme.
Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac?
He lay in bed at night wondering if there was a dog.
Spend your time with benefit
Spend your time with benefit - find a girl named Benefit
Flying Lotus
I saw Tucker Carlson at a grocery store in Los Angeles yesterday. I told him how cool it was to meet him in person, but I didn’t want to be a douche and bother him and ask him for photos or anything.
He said, “Oh, like you’re doing now?”
I was taken aback, and all I could say was “Huh?” but he kept cutting me off and going “huh? huh? huh?” and closing his hand shut in front of my face. I walked away and continued with my shopping, and I heard him chuckle as I walked off. When I came to pay for my stuff up front I saw him trying to walk out the doors with like fifteen Milky Ways in his hands without paying.
The girl at the counter was very nice about it and professional, and was like “Sir, you need to pay for those first.” At first he kept pretending to be tired and not hear her, but eventually turned back around and brought them to the counter.
When she took one of the bars and started scanning it multiple times, he stopped her and told her to scan them each individually “to prevent any electrical infetterence,” and then turned around and winked at me. I don’t even think that’s a word. After she scanned each bar and put them in a bag and started to say the price, he kept interrupting her by yawning really loudly.
As a priest walks down the street, he notices a young girl struggling to reach the door knocker on a tall front door.
"Allow me to assist," he offers, knocking on the door for her.
"Is there anything else I can help you with?" he asks kindly.
"Yes," says the girl, "Now we run like crazy."
What can you say in an adult video store that you can say in a pizza store
I wants some cheese pizza please
Reporter goes to a native reservation
A young reporter went to a Native American reservation and went to interview the natives there. They comes across a native with one feather in his head band and the reporter ask him “What does the one feather stand for?” He replies “I’ve been with one women .”
The reporter thinks that’s interesting and then comes across a native with five feathers in his head band and inquires the same thing and he responds “I’ve been with five women.”
At this point the reporter is starting to understand but thinks surely the Chiefs headdress has a different meaning.
Later in the evening the reporter has the opportunity to ask the chief the same question and he responds proudly with “I’m the Chief of all women on the reservation and Ive slept with all of them!”
The reporter responds “Oh dear!”
The chief responds “No! Not deer their asshole is too high and they run too fast.”
What do pilots say if their plane is going to crash?
May Day. May Day.
Friend: “I bet you can’t make a sentence without the letters “A”, “E”, and “I” “
Me: “Fuck you”