Things better not said - our best
... Jokes ...3 Southern sisters are sitting on a big porch sipping Mint Juleps.
Martha says, “My husband loves me so much, he built me this amazing porch.”
Mary says, “Well isn’t that nice?”
Mildred says, “Bless your heart”
Mary says, “My husband loves me so much, he bought me a beautiful new Cadillac.”
Martha says, “Well isn’t that nice?”
Mildred says, “Bless your heart.”
Mildred says, “My husband loves me so much, he sent me to Switzerland for etiquette lessons.”
Mary says, “Etiquette lessons? Did they work?!”
Mildred says, “Yes they did.
I used to say ‘Fuck You’. Now
I say ‘Bless your heart.’”
What do you call a clairvoyant little person on the run from the law ?
A small medium at large
What do you call it when you wake up the next day lying in a tree
Morning wood
What do you call self-centered and egotistical sleepwear?
Prima-jamas.
It makes sense that Leonardo DiCaprio cares so much about climate change…
He just wants a world his future girlfriends can turn 18 in.
Which ones do you like more: tits, asses or cocks?
Asking for a friend who has a petting zoo.
I have beaten my wife on Saturday and my son on Sunday.
In a game of chess
Why is it called transphobia?
Because some people have an extreme irrational fear of trans.
I went through airport security and the alarm went off
The TSA agent asked if I had any metal on me.
I said hell yeah I do, pulled out a Metallica CD and slammed it on the table.
I was detained and strip searched but it was worth it.
When I told my wife I wanted a man cave, she said she wanted one too
I told her, she already has one. And it echoes too
When Chuck Norris goes near a black hole...
The black hole gets sucked in him.
Took my wife to the doctor to find out what’s going on with her??
Took my wife to the doctor to get looked at. The doctor says it could be two things either
A) She has aids or B) She has Alzheimer’s.
I asked the doctor how easy is it to tell which one she has.
He replies take her and drop her off in the woods. If she finds her way back home don’t fuck her