Things better not said - our best
... Jokes ...My sense of humor is rubbing off on my dog.
She met me at the door when I came home from work yesterday. I told her “Hi Xander, I’m hungry.”
She looked up at me and said “Hi hungry, I’m Xander.”
Maybe not refilling my prescription wasn’t such a great idea after all…
Dirty Pig
Customer is disgusted when she sees a baker crimping a pie with his false teeth.
“Have you now got a tool for that job, you filthy pig”
“Yes, I use that for the doughnuts!!
Did you know that if you mix diet coke, bicarb soda, table salt and bleach together in a mop bucket....
You get yelled at by the manager of Walmart
Who ever stole my coffee and Microsoft office...
I will find you! You have my word.
There was a guy so, so short...
...that his feet dangled when he sat on the curb.
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer.
After he is served the beer he asks the guy next to him to watch his drink while he uses the bathroom.
He does his business, and when he returns the guy watching the drink says “I wouldn’t drink that if I were you.”
“Why not?” He asks.
“That monkey over there, came over and peed in it” he informs him.
“What,” says the man, “whose monkey is that!?”
“I think it’s the piano player’s monkey,” the other guy tells him.
The man goes up to the piano player and says, “hey, do you know your monkey peed in my beer?”
The pianist replies, “no, but if you hum it I’ll try to play it.”
Well, to tell the truth...
Father: Son, your mother and I are very concerned about your lying. We want you to always be truthful.
Son: Really? Santa Claus, Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy...
How can you tell an engineer is extroverted?
When speaking to them they look at your shoes.
I saw these three guys beating on my cheating ex so I ran over to help.
The four of us sure kicked her whore ass!
An examiner is testing a student
Examiner: Ok, so read this sentence for me *shows student a page that says ‘The man had a knife’*
Student: “The man had a kuh-nife!”
Examiner: Do you want to try that again? Remember to pay extra attention to the last word.
Student: “The man had a kuh-nife?”
The examiner lets the student leave. The entire class doesn’t recognise the silent k. He later talks to their teacher.
Examiner: Why do your students not understand this sentence???
Teacher: I don’t kuh-now!
I really got into investing in those DTF’s
But whenever I arrange a trade men come over and have sex with me for money. And i gotta tell ya this market has been a real pain in the ass .
after my wife found my letters I had to come clean and tell her I was cheating
She said she will never play scrabble with me again