Things better not said - our best
... Jokes ...Do you know what people called John Rockefeller when he made a dirty joke?
Crude.
An American man walks into a bar in Russia...
He goes to the counter and orders a whiskey. A Russian man at the end of the counter starts laughing and says: "Who the fuck do you think you are? This is Russia, we drink vodka here." The American flips a coin into the air and shoots a bullet through it. He says: "Bill, Pecos Bill... And who the fuck are *you*?" The Russian pulls down his pants revealing two cocks and three pairs of balls. He says "Bill, Chernobill..."
What was the original name for a trampoline?
It was called a jumpoline until your mom used it.
This Lady had a show dog,
It was a purebred Schnauzer from a champion blood line. All of her time and money went into taking care of this dog. The only problem, she always gets second place. Every dog show, second place.
Well, she’s at the Westminster dog show, the biggest in the world and again, she gets second place!
Infuriated, she’s wondering why in the hell her perfect dog keeps getting second place when she notices a young judge standing over in the corner by himself.
Carefully, she walks over to him making sure no one is watching, looking all around, she whispers “I know we could both get into real trouble but I really need to know what’s wrong with my dog, I keep getting 2nd place?”
Nervously and looking all around he says” Ma’am, I know exactly which dog is yours and it’s a beautiful dog but there is 1 thing wrong with it. If you remove the hair between its toes, you’ll get first place every time. I could get in big trouble telling you this but if you get some Nair, put it between his toes, first place every time.”
She looks around to make sure no one is watching, slaps him $50 and leaves right away to the store.
When she gets to the store, she decides to pick up a few other things since she’s already there.
After she gets everything she needs, she makes her way to the checkout where it just so happens it’s this young man’s first day on the job as a cashier. He’s trying to be polite as he’s ringing up her groceries when he gets to the Nair.
Being polite, he says to the lady, “Ma’am, you need to be careful on the area you use this because your skin will become sensitive.”
She replies, “ well it’s for my Schnauzer!”
The young man says “well then, don’t ride a bike for a few weeks.”
What’s the difference in a Lamborghini and a boner?
I don’t have a Lamborghini.
What are some good jokes that would work as deflections for when my family harasses me about when I’ll graduate?
I’m about to visit a lot of family, and know every person and their mom is going to ask me this. The truth is I’m a very bad student and also don’t like taking a full course load. I like to enjoy life. I also just gave birth to twins, and I love my current job. They won’t care. I just want enough jokes so that I can deflect and make them laugh and we can talk about something else. So far I have for “when will you graduate?”
“when I finish all my classes.”
“At the right time.”
Not bad but not my best, I think the stress is clouding my comedic abilities. Can anyone help me with some good funny responses?
Why did the farmer cross the road?
Because he couldn’t get his dick out of the chicken
I arrived early to the restaurant. The manager said do you mind waiting a bit?
I said no. Good, he said. Take these drinks to table nine.
A mail carrier is about to retire…
So he puts a note in all of his mailboxes letting people know that his last day would be at the end of the week.
On his last day, neighbors were showering him with gifts and praise for his many years of faithful service.
As he approaches a house in his route, he realizes that he’s never even met the people that live there. But as he lifts the little flap to drop the mail in the mailbox, the door opens up and standing in the door is this stunning blonde woman wearing nothing but a sheer robe. She welcomed the mail carrier in and leads him to her bedroom where they have sex for hours.
Once the fun is over, she tells him to get dressed and to meet her in the kitchen. When he walks into the kitchen, he sees the table covered in delicious-looking food. The woman tells him to sit down as she made a plate of anything he wanted.
As he finished his breakfast, he thanked the woman for her hospitality. She said, “Not so fast. Flip the plate over!”. He flips the plate over to find a dollar bill taped to the bottom. He finally says, “Listen, I appreciate everything you’ve done. The sex was amazing, the food was just fantastic, and now money. But why!? In all the years I’ve been your mailman, I’ve never met you, nor have you ever put out gifts for holidays or anything. Why all of this now!”.
The blonde women explains, “I got your note saying you were retiring. I asked my husband if we should do anything for you. His answer was, ‘Fuck ‘em, give ‘em a dollar.’ Breakfast was my idea!”.
Movie ratings are an indication of who gets the girl
* Rated G - the prince gets the girl.
* Rated PG - the hero gets the girl.
* Rated R - the villain gets the girl.
* Rated X - everyone gets the girl!
How’d blind Dorothy get back to Kansas?
She followed the yellow braille road