Things better not said - our best

What happens when two insomniacs sleep together?
They sleep less

What’s the difference between Leonardo di Caprio and a calendar
Leo’s dates only go up to 25

What do you call the waiting area for a Vietnamese restaurant?
The Pho queue.

My cousin just started a new career as a bounty hunter…
…Apparently, she makes a killing.

People gathered for schrodingers funeral and everyone had one thing on their mind….
“Hmmmm” God bless y’all and may he rest in peace

Did you know Sinatra was a huge chess fan?
He sang one of his most famous songs about it... The Way You Rook to Knight.

Professor: The homework is due Monday.
Student: Can I get an extension? Professor: No worries. The homework is due Monday.png.

Did you hear about the new wireless digital thermometers?
Now is penetrating technology

It is always difficult for me to attend funerals
I suffer from a condition called mourning wood.

None of us thought that our friend Opie would be a good mailman.
But Opie delivered.

What is a French prostitutes response to how are you
Cum see cum saw

Did you see the dog pee into the canal?
He was live streaming.

A man went to the doctor to complain about his migraines.
Man: So doc, what’s the problem? Dr. Well, after examination we’ve found out that we would need to castrate you. Man: (surprised) What? Why? What does that have to do with my migraines? Dr. You see the blood vessels in your penis gets bunched up and hence it constricts blood flow to your brain, causing the terrible migraines. Man: I see. Is there no other way? Dr.: I am afraid not. So the man decides to have the operation and have his penis cut off. After a few weeks in recovery, he is relieved that the Dr. was right. He no longer had migraines. Feeling happy after a long time, incelebration he goes to a bar. There he sees the bartender tell a patron “Hmm, you’re a 38.” And the man agrees gives him a tip, and leaves with his drink. He does the same thing to a few more patrons. When it was his turn, he asked. Man: What was that all about? What are those numbers for? Bartender: Well, you see I have this uncanny ability to know what someone’s underwear size is. So I make a bet, if I get it right they give me a tip. If I am wrong, I’ll give them the drink for free! Man: Really now? Well I’ll take that bet. What’s my underwear size? Bartender: (studies him a bit and smiles) You’re a 36. Man: (laughing) Sorry bud, you’re wrong! I guess I’ll be taking that free drink eh? Bartender: (shocked) Seriously? That can’t be right. What’s your size? Man: 34 Bartender: No way! If you wear that size you’re sure to have a terrible headache!